Friend.
The word used to refer to be reserved only for select people in our lives. The word referred to people whom we trusted and shared our lives with, had many things in common with, including our values, did things for and with.
Today, this narrow definition of friends and friendship have shifted with social networks. With the advent of individual “profiles” of us users connecting with one another on profiles. Now, friends references anyone we connect with online, whether we call them friends, followers, circlers or anything else. We don’t have to live in the same state, in the same country or even on the same continent. We don’t have to know or even know about these users whom we call friends. We’ve come a long way, but to what?
What is the result of this paradigm shift?
Today, relationships have become commodities and disposable ones at that. The “Unfriend” and “Block” buttons have made it easy to minister to our tendency to dump relationships when sin complicates them, or communication goes awry because of our misunderstandings. All it takes is a few clicks, rather than hours of sharing and building up trust through conversation and doing things together.
Purging Friends
Frequently, in my own Facebook experience, I will see statuses like this: The user will announce that “I’m going to purge my friends list and get rid of people who don’t fit my criteria of what to do to stay on my list.” For many, it will be sharing the user’s passion or values, or keeping in touch with the user.
What does this mean? Why do we “add” people, in the first place, who may not share our passion for God our for our cause, who may not care if we live or die, and whom we don’t even know?
I think (at least it was for me) we fall for the online notion that the more, the better. While we “add” people, hoping that they will come to support our cause or come to know God, we need to bear in mind that, as offline, quality beats quantity. Whom we keep company with online will affect our attitudes and characters as surely as it does offline.
My “Unfriending” Experiences
I have used Facebook for about four and a half years. I have seen what I estimate to be well over a thousand “friends” come and go out of my networks. Many who had unfriended me were past or current fellow parishioners who apparently had little tolerance for my causes or my missing person posters. Some have deleted me because they took offense at my political or Christian posts. Many have dropped me because of misunderstandings and conflicts that led them to believe that I wasn’t a “friend.”
My latest experience of being unfriended was most hurtful because both parties dropped me for purely personal reasons. One called herself a sister in Christ; I had shared with this person sensitive things which I have never shared with any of my pastors or doctors. Yes, I lived in Missouri and this person lived hundreds of miles away, but I was convinced that I finally had found a real friend, and she seemed to feel the same way about me. We had shared a deep trust and friendship that I thought this person valued as much as I did. Yet a series of misunderstandings had put an end to it and the person, sadly, has chosen being right over unity, forgiveness and reconciliation.
To unfriend or not to unfriend, that is the question…
Yes, I know that there are times where it is wise to cut certain people out of our networks just as we should keep certain people out of our lives. People who pose a threat to our lives or the lives of others we touch, should be cut out of our lives. This makes sense even to us Christians. So we should hit the “Unfriend” or “Block” button on any user who is suspected or known to be predators or criminals.
In most cases, however, these do not include users who are merely annoying or offensive. When we “delete” people out of our networks, we end any opportunities to share God’s love and truth, and any needed future help and support, with them.
When we “delete” a brother or sister in Christ, we’re violating the principles of unity, forbearance and forgiveness. I have found getting “unfriended” by fellow Christians to be far more hurtful than any other unfriending. We ought to apply the same Biblical principles to our social networking that we do to our in-person social relationships.
For guess who is behind every computer screen and who Christ has called us to love as ourselves?
What are your thoughts on “unfriending?” Do you think we should treat Christians differently than others?
[Photo by Karpati Gabor]
Lisa DeSherlia is a follower of Jesus, a wife, a mom and a blogger. She advocates for any of those who are voiceless and marginalized: the unborn, those with disabilities, those facing severe religious persecution, and others voiceless people groups or individuals. She has a fairly new self-hosted website call AllLivesAreSacred.com as well as a complementary Facebook page which she has set up as a ministry to the public.
She maintains a site that is specific to preventing an ending abortion. It is called NeverAbortion and she has a Facebook page named after the site: NeverAbortion.
18 Comments
Just today I not only "unfriended" but blocked a "good Christian" on Facebook who was posting political spew on my page. First, I went back channel and asked him (nicely) to stop but that generated *more* spew! After two rounds of, "please don't post this stuff on my personal page," I hit "block" and "unfriend." Unchristian? Nah, self-preservation! Self-care! I periodically do the same with face-to-face friendships and relationships using the calculus, "does this relationship enhance my faith and spiritual life or does it undermine it?"
Meredith, you do have a point about taking care of yourself. In my case, when they post that kind of trash, I hide them in my Newsfeeds so I can't see them. Problem solved. In other cases, I just ignore it if the person does not post that stuff too often.
I”m with Meredith on this one. There are circumstances that can only be defined by an individual as to whether blocking is step one needs to take. People get far too offended at such silly things like social media and people collecting that goes along with it; how many likes, hearts, emojis etc… it’s ridiculous to expect people to follow any kind of etiquette if they simply need to shelter themselves from potential drama or whatever excuse.
Lisa, thanks for writing this post. I don't think online and offline relationships are distinct from each other. There are simply relationships. As Christians, we ought to follow biblical principles for the way we interact with people and manage relationships with them.
Offline relationships are fluid. We simply don't have very many lifelong friends. The same is true online.
If you're thinking about unfriending someone, the question is why? If it's because they're posts are harmful or divisive in some way? If so, I think we should handle that according to Matthew 18. Start by going to them privately (as Meredith did above). If you've just sort of lost touch with the person and you're relationship has faded to the point where their posts just seem like clutter, then it's probably better to simply change your Facebook settings to hide their posts rather unfriending or blocking them, which could be perceived as hostile.
Many of my bad experiences had come from friending virtual strangers for the purpose of advocacy. The situations I dealt with were almost an ideal set up for Facebook drama. I would unfriend anyone who indicates that they want to unfriend one, and that happened to me one time. I also think it's not smart to friend people like one's boss, co-workers, and professionals like lawyers or therapists. These could lead to very inappropriate interactions. I have learned, the hard way, that most friendships are not forever friendships, offline or online.
Lisa, I think that raises the issue of who we choose to "friend" on Facebook. Personally, I limit Facebook friends to people I have established relationships with – either offline or online through blogging or other social media. By limiting the people I friend on Facebook, I also limit the drama and the people I would be inclined to unfriend. But that's just the way I do it. That doesn't mean it's the "best" way or best for any one else in particular.
This is mainly an opinion post, unlike a number of my own posts. Because of my purpose of Facebooking, I have to add people I have not met in the flesh. It all depends on WHY you use social networking. Many people use Facebook for advocacy or for awareness of their nonprofit or a specific cause; for that, they have to add people they don't know. But it's possible to do minimal screening of even strangers. For example, many people will not add anyone without profile pics or whose profiles don't give enough info about them, or when they don't have enough Facebook "Mutual Friends."
What about friend who ignores you in real life and decided you are no longer their friend? Even after trying to working it out with them?
I know how that is! Right now, a person I thought was a good friend decided I was not her friend. I tried to reach out to her but all to no avail. I hope and pray all is well with her.
I have had childhood classmates who are into some deep and dark spiritual stuff, posting things about satan, wicca, etc., on my friend list. Occasionally, the enemy will rear his ugly head and they will make a nasty comment on my Christian postings. Or they will post things mocking Christianity on their own page. (That’s what the “unfollow” button is for -I never have to see what their page is). But you know what? It means they’re reading my posts if they’re commenting. And that’s more than I’m doing of theirs. I have struggled with the unfriend thing, but I think “What if Jesus came back tomorrow and my facebook page is the only connection they have with truth?” Or “what if it’s 2 in the morning and they’re in a crisis and God is really pulling on their heart” and something I’ve posted resonates with them? I do not believe in carelessly unfriending. Most of the time, that decision can’t be undone and it’s like cutting the rope to their boat and letting them drift away when you may be their only tie line to the truth. God radically pursues us; is it so much to push aside our pride and “feelings” of “offense” and actually try to love a fallen world, even if it’s just keeping that person on our list? I’ve been unfriended and blocked by a couple of my very best childhood friends without any explanation; and I can only assume that it’s because they are disappointed that I’ve become a Christian. But that’s okay; it’s their choice, not mine, to have done it. If you’re going to hit that “unfriend” button, you better do it only under the influence of the Holy Spirit and not your own personal preference.
If someone friends you that you attend church with only to see what you are doing right or wrong, Should you unfriend them because they are only being nosy?
Hi Kim, here are my thoughts on your question…
1) Do you know for sure the person friended you to be nosy? How do you know? Did you talk tot them about it? I would be careful about assuming motives.
2) What is the problem with this person knowing what you’re doing and posting? If you are doing/posting things you know are wrong or embarrassing, maybe that’s the bigger issue rather than someone being nosy.
Is it a sin to block Christians on Facebook? I don’t mean a sin meaning it’ll send you to hell; obviously I know that’s not true. But as a Christian, SHOULD you block another Christian. It’s a shame that Christians can’t get along together, but on our part, shouldn’t we at least try?
I block a very good friend of mine on FB last week because of thing I really don’t wanna get into. And the last couple days, I’ve been wondering if it was the right thing to do as a Christian.
No matter WHAT the situation might be; the point is,, I’m a Christian, and sharing the gospel with people is the most important thing ever. If a Christian is misguided, it should be our duty to help them any way we can, is it not?
Point blank, should I unblock this person (and ALL people I’ve blocked for that matter)?
Hi Krista, thanks for your comment. There is no universal rule for who we should friend or not friend on Facebook. Who we friend or unfriend should not be done out of a sense of obligation but motivated by love and guided by the Holy Spirit. My suggestion would be to pray about it.
I have a Christian friend, we have gone to church, parties, christian concerts, christian classes, etc. She posted that peace can only come from yourself. I commented “God can give you peace”. She texted me and asked me not to “add’ God to her post. It is her page and she has Christian and not Christian friends. I was stunned by this. I told her it was not a reflection of her but of me and what I believe. etc. What do you think?
Hi Elaine, going to church, Christian concerts and Christian classes don’t make someone a Christian any more than going to football games and football stadiums makes someone a football player. Being a Christian means recognizing we are sinful and broken and cannot fix ourselves or find peace on our own. It is only by trusting Jesus and choosing to following him that we are forgiven, made whole again and find peace.
That said, I’ve found no value in debating these things in public on social media. If your friend doesn’t want to discuss or mention God on Facebook, I think you should honor that request. My suggestion would be to pray for your friend and look for opportunities to have private spiritual conversations with her.