This Sunday is Easter and when you look around your church you’re going to get that uncomfortable feeling that comes from being around all kinds of people you haven’t seen in a while or perhaps never before. You know, the slackers who only show up at church twice a year, the backsliders who haven’t been to church in 5 years, and the heathens who wouldn’t know the Pentateuch from a pentagram.
They’re going to take your favorite pew, sit and stand at the wrong times during the service, and double your wait in the coffee line after the service. You don’t want to have to put up with those distractions and inconveniences week in and week out, so here are 12 ways to ensure those people don’t come back the week after Easter.
- Keep to yourself. Avoid eye contact. And by all means don’t welcome anyone you don’t know.
- Walk up to someone you haven’t seen for a while and say, “Hey, hey… Look who it is… You don’t think just showing up for Easter is going to get you out of the Big Guy’s doghouse, do you?”
- Make sure all the greeters, ushers, singers, speakers, and everyone involved in leading the service are all of the same ethnic background so that if anyone of a different ethnicity shows up they know they are considered second-class citizens.
- Take down all your signs so only the regulars know if a door leads to the pastor’s office, the ladies room, or a broom closet.
- During the service have the pastor pray, “Lord, please forgive all those sinners who have failed to remember the Sabbath to keep it holy.”
- Invite the worst singer in the choir to do a solo.
- Find a way to tie the Easter message into a soliloquy on the Iraq War and make it clear that everyone who disagrees with the pastor’s position is on the devil’s side.
- During the service ask all the visitors to stand and then introduce themselves to the entire congregation.
- Announce that next week the pastor will begin a 12-week series on hell.
- Put a sign up in the children’s ministry area that indicates you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to volunteers with criminal records.
- Just assume that everyone understands what communion is all about. Then when people start coming forward to receive communion have the ushers quietly walk up to the “really big sinners” and ask them to return to their seats.
- Announce that visitors must fill out a form with their contact information and should expect an elder-evangelist tag team waiting in their driveway when they get home.
Of course, if you actually care about guests and irregular church attenders because you believe they matter to God, you might consider doing just the opposite. 😉
50 Comments
Well, I would have to say that this was entertaining stuff…folks do not lose sight of what happens in any organization…corruption…the only difference will be the varying levels and degree it will be allowed to escalate…business is business whether it is a church or the local legal office…profit is the goal…this in turn creates corruption…why can’t we all just love each other and have “church” everywhere we go…everyday…share the peace…live & love with “him”, “her”, “them”, you know the one that brings you “spiritual peace” & enables you to share agape love for all?
It can have disastrous effect if someone does not read the last line.Days are evil and satan can misuse the contents of the message.Better avoid such humours.They can be written under Humour column and not as a general one
Come on everybody!!!!!!!!!! Group Hug!!!!
As soon as I read the introduction I knew where this was going. The only offensive thing about this article is the fact that their really are churches like this and worst is that their will be lost people who read this and dont think it is funny because they went to a church that did 7 out of 12 of those things. I thought it was very funny. I can see why someone may be offended by this after all they p[robably go to a chruch like this and we many times get offended by the bible, Jesus, and preachers when they step on our toes.
God bless all of you and we definately are to have a sense of humor we are to have Joy in our Lord. Also the bible says not to joke without it being fit or without a purpose (this I believe has a purpose). Sometimes we become too holy for our own good. EXample?
A boy went to church and was kicked out by the deacon because he did not fit into that church, he didnt look holy nor was he dressed appropriate for church. When he went outside he seen Jesus sitting on the steps. The boy said, “Jesus I dont understand why I am not allowed in the chruch” Jesus looked at him and responded, “Fret not child they won’t let me in either.”
very…very funny. Good post Paul.
As one of the Lord’s chosen, I felt a deep sadness at the reality of these words.
Having been abused,rejected,ignored and unloved by every institutional church I ever attended over the past twenty years,I have little desire to ever return.
The Emergent church seems to be more like the Biblical church.
I am over cliques,pecking orders and favouritism which have robbed me of fellowship with the brethren?
Faith without works is dead.
Unfortunately all too true in too many churches. I have vistied several much like this – and never went back. I agree with the comments that those who took offense at this article may have not seen the (unfortunately not humorous) truth or may be part of a “Christian Country Club For Christians Only” type of church.
Doesn’t the whole New Testament push/proclaim to notion that our Lord wants us to “feed the hungry, clothe the poor, etc.”?
Come on, people, get at DOING what our Lord commanded us to do!
Isn’t it great that we can laugh and not take ourselves too seriously. We need an objective view of ourselves. Humour (UK spelling) and even humor (USA spelling) can be good medicine.
How can anyone read this and believe it, take it to heart, or be offended by it? Really need to lighten up folks.
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