This Sunday is Easter and when you look around your church you’re going to get that uncomfortable feeling that comes from being around all kinds of people you haven’t seen in a while or perhaps never before. You know, the slackers who only show up at church twice a year, the backsliders who haven’t been to church in 5 years, and the heathens who wouldn’t know the Pentateuch from a pentagram.
They’re going to take your favorite pew, sit and stand at the wrong times during the service, and double your wait in the coffee line after the service. You don’t want to have to put up with those distractions and inconveniences week in and week out, so here are 12 ways to ensure those people don’t come back the week after Easter.
- Keep to yourself. Avoid eye contact. And by all means don’t welcome anyone you don’t know.
- Walk up to someone you haven’t seen for a while and say, “Hey, hey… Look who it is… You don’t think just showing up for Easter is going to get you out of the Big Guy’s doghouse, do you?”
- Make sure all the greeters, ushers, singers, speakers, and everyone involved in leading the service are all of the same ethnic background so that if anyone of a different ethnicity shows up they know they are considered second-class citizens.
- Take down all your signs so only the regulars know if a door leads to the pastor’s office, the ladies room, or a broom closet.
- During the service have the pastor pray, “Lord, please forgive all those sinners who have failed to remember the Sabbath to keep it holy.”
- Invite the worst singer in the choir to do a solo.
- Find a way to tie the Easter message into a soliloquy on the Iraq War and make it clear that everyone who disagrees with the pastor’s position is on the devil’s side.
- During the service ask all the visitors to stand and then introduce themselves to the entire congregation.
- Announce that next week the pastor will begin a 12-week series on hell.
- Put a sign up in the children’s ministry area that indicates you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to volunteers with criminal records.
- Just assume that everyone understands what communion is all about. Then when people start coming forward to receive communion have the ushers quietly walk up to the “really big sinners” and ask them to return to their seats.
- Announce that visitors must fill out a form with their contact information and should expect an elder-evangelist tag team waiting in their driveway when they get home.
Of course, if you actually care about guests and irregular church attenders because you believe they matter to God, you might consider doing just the opposite. 😉
50 Comments
Okay, I am not sure how this is offensive to people. My only guess is that it may hit too close to home?
The truth is, we ALL need to be more sensitive and active in reaching out to people who are not used to attending church…after all 70% of America has no regular church affiliation of membership. When they come in we need to reach out to them.
Better yet, why wait for them to come to the church (building), why aren’t we (the church) going out to them? We are the light, yet we wait for the blind to find us?
Dear Sir, its nice to see this. but if you want to tell the love of Jesus, wemust love the people and make a friendship, then only we can conquer the mind of people.
Love thy people and tell the love of Jesus.
It will work. Normally people not yet understood the love of Jesus. Its our duty to share the love of Jesus, whenever time comes in our hand.
Have a raisen Christ in your life, then everthing will be allright.
I didn’t think it was funny, at all. Mostly because I didn’t even know it was a joke until i read what others were saying…..It’s still kind of startling to me because I haven’t found a “HOME” church because of the fact I am afraid I would be treated like that.
I thought it was humerous. I do believe in God and I have accepted Jesus as my Personel Savior. Right now I am in the process of finding a Church Home. I was going to a Church and they kicked some people that have been in that Church for 30 yrs off the Church role and also he was a Decon of the Church and I am 47 yrs old and I have never seen a Church do this before for disageeing about the Music. I have been a Baptist all my life and this just stunned me. Also it was a bad influence on my Spouse cause he changed from Methodist to Baptist. He said Methodist never kicked ppl. out of a Church either. You know we are all sinners and none of us are perfect so does this mean if I don’t behave a certain way or talk a certain way that I’ll be kicked out also. Also I wrote a Easter Book and was making it for the Mobile Home Park that I live in and at a Bible Study I showed it to the Pastor cause he asked to see it. When I went to leave I went to hug the Pastor’s wife by and she just stood there with no emotion. So I think that we are no longer Welcome…
Please if you have any comments are suggestions Please email me at, dwoerndell@hotmail.com Thank you Debbie Woerndell
Debbie hit on a very important point when she stated that ppl were kicked out of the church for complaining about the music. The church that we now attend, but not for long, until we can find a home church, has the most loud, rock style praise that we have heard. When I talked to the Pastor, who has been preaching for 40 years, he told me that some seniors had already left the church because of the music and for those who don’t like the music, they can go too because he will not have the music of the 70’s praise and worship in his church anymore. To quote him, he said, “It ain’t gonna happen”. He also has the praise and worship leader play while he is preaching, drowning out his very important points of the msg. He told me he would have him to stop playing so loud during the msg but it has happened only one time so far….
I’ve got another one to add to the list:
“Take everything too serious so that all of your visitors will realize that they are not capable of attaining your level of worship.”
Now come on guys if we are truly offended by someone pointing out to us some of the common problems that we face weekly in our services, we need a reality check. God didn’t call me to the ministry to be pius and holier than thou, he called me to love Him, love my students, and have fun while doing both. Our attitudes as christians is what turns so many people away from God, not humor. Humor is one of many tools to engage people to be serious.
Loosen up, have fun, and love God always!
I have one more:
Be sure to have an Easter breakfast and make sure all the church folks sit with their friends and not bother the newcomers.
Read your message and the replies and found it all quite humorous. Needless to say, but all so true. I can see this is helping people air , where they have been hit. May they be healed. This is also not a time in His Story to cover up the truth, but to face certain facts, for if it were Jesus speaking, He would not have put it so nicely and kindly, Read Matthew 23!
Very thought provoking which is great because not thinking is the problem. Remember what it’s like to be invisible or in the way or getting hard sell? I know when someone has cared enough about me and went out of there way for my sake. It’s been said that each time a person walks through our doors it is a sign that God is working in their life. I hope to make that experience one they leave feeling God lives at our church.
I get it. Don’t understand the people who were offended by it. Our Resurrection services changed after one year after i said that we would not have a egg hunt,pass out candy,have a bunny skit, or kids fashion parade during morning worship or have “easter” speeches at a evening service, and that my wife,kids and I would either dress casual or wear old clothes