This Sunday is Easter and when you look around your church you’re going to get that uncomfortable feeling that comes from being around all kinds of people you haven’t seen in a while or perhaps never before. You know, the slackers who only show up at church twice a year, the backsliders who haven’t been to church in 5 years, and the heathens who wouldn’t know the Pentateuch from a pentagram.
They’re going to take your favorite pew, sit and stand at the wrong times during the service, and double your wait in the coffee line after the service. You don’t want to have to put up with those distractions and inconveniences week in and week out, so here are 12 ways to ensure those people don’t come back the week after Easter.
- Keep to yourself. Avoid eye contact. And by all means don’t welcome anyone you don’t know.
- Walk up to someone you haven’t seen for a while and say, “Hey, hey… Look who it is… You don’t think just showing up for Easter is going to get you out of the Big Guy’s doghouse, do you?”
- Make sure all the greeters, ushers, singers, speakers, and everyone involved in leading the service are all of the same ethnic background so that if anyone of a different ethnicity shows up they know they are considered second-class citizens.
- Take down all your signs so only the regulars know if a door leads to the pastor’s office, the ladies room, or a broom closet.
- During the service have the pastor pray, “Lord, please forgive all those sinners who have failed to remember the Sabbath to keep it holy.”
- Invite the worst singer in the choir to do a solo.
- Find a way to tie the Easter message into a soliloquy on the Iraq War and make it clear that everyone who disagrees with the pastor’s position is on the devil’s side.
- During the service ask all the visitors to stand and then introduce themselves to the entire congregation.
- Announce that next week the pastor will begin a 12-week series on hell.
- Put a sign up in the children’s ministry area that indicates you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to volunteers with criminal records.
- Just assume that everyone understands what communion is all about. Then when people start coming forward to receive communion have the ushers quietly walk up to the “really big sinners” and ask them to return to their seats.
- Announce that visitors must fill out a form with their contact information and should expect an elder-evangelist tag team waiting in their driveway when they get home.
Of course, if you actually care about guests and irregular church attenders because you believe they matter to God, you might consider doing just the opposite. 😉
50 Comments
You’ve made your point! Whatever the reaction, people will remember how to turn people off in church.
Unfortunately, there are people in some churches who react like this to new people. Shame on them. Fortunately, God has a huge heart of love for them too.
I was a member of this church for years. I have since left and now go to a wonderful church. On another note, why are we so easily offended?
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i have read this and i too have been to this church .really didn’t know what to say until i read the whole thing..then i understood..
Thanks to everyone who’s commented.
To those of you who were offended, I apologize and hope you realize the article was intended to be funny and satirical. I’d love to know specifically what you found offensive. Perhaps we just have a different sense of humor, or perhaps some of these hit a little too close to home??? Never the less, your opinions are welcome and noted.
Earnest – Funny stuff. Consider your suggestions #13, #14, & #15.
Kathleen – You hit the nail right on the head.
WOW! I dont know which is the funniest, the article or the “offended” peoples comments.
It was humor, and if you dont find it as such, I suspect the old line applies..
A struck dog always moans!
I suspect someone needs to re-think the way they do church!
Happy Easter!
REJOICE! HE Lives!
This is so unfortunately true about so many of today’s churches(not the actual sayings, but the underlying theme).
Even Christians need to be able to laugh. Laughing is “making a joyful noise unto the Lord”.
Anyone that is offended by this may need to get down on their knees andhave a long, serious talk with the Savior about reinforcing their weak faith.
Be blessed, one and all.
Ed Cox said it well. Many of our churches have begun to look and act like businesses rather than houses of worship. The ones that complain the most are, many times, the ones that recognize themselves in the parody.
Just remember that the only one we have to impress is Jesus Christ and we do that through serving him with all our heart and soul.
Having a storefront church, I have heard many similar comments from the people that make up our congregation. Ours are the ones that have been shamed, shunned, and disappointed by traditional churches. Don’t be offended by Paul’s joke. Use it to look inside your faith and inside your church.
Perhaps you will find a message from God in these writings.
May the Lord continue to fill you with His Spirit.
you can also add this..
If you are a regular member a tither etc..etc don’t give up your seat let them stand up .fell that you are the most important person in that church.
very nicely put. I think I will print it off and hand it out to my parishoners.