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Inspirational, Anecdotes, Poems (Website Page 5)
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Paradoxes of Life
More Trivia
Torturing a Tongue Twisting Telemarketer
A Shepherd and The Consultant
Delegating Responsibility - The Counterfeit of Taking it!
Ice Cream For The Soul
36 Kinds of Dinosaurs
Hugging
Do You Love Me
If I Were the Devil
Euro English
20 Forms of Energy
Counterfeit Fruits
Jesus and Alexander
The Fervent Prayer
Nikita Khruschev's Testimony
Late Payment Excuses
Did You Know
lost in the Cracks
Mixed Up Email Address
MOTHER
An Ironic Page Out of History
This Much
To Go To
Paradoxes of Life
-
To Go To
More Trivia
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Torturing a Tongue Twisting Telemarketer
The following are actual names, called on by a Telemarketer. (I know – I was the Telemarketer!)
"Hello. May I speak with....."
Kannathasa Murugesu,
Josipsovultj,
Daryl Pleggenkuhle,
Irota Wierciak Pawlowicz,
Muzafer Mehmedovic,
Srikumar Ranfarajan,
Iakovos Giannoglov,
Qetlah Ra,
Celestin Ndagije,
Jirair Gharakhanian,
Afshin Shahidi,
Michele Szczgiel,
Lauri Ochtchepkov,
Jeff Schymanietz,
Jerry Przybyszewski,
Homayoun Behboodi,
Robert Czerniakowski,
Chicago Court of Cook Count (y)
Rachel Cayabyab (she was a talker!),
Larry Biggerstaff (must work with Washington Bureaucracy),
Billy Hatzipetrakos,
Kev Tcharkhoutian,
Tom Lswdenski,
Mahboob E. Bhatti,
Ganesh Boodhoo,
Thanh Huynh,
Mian Yoo,
Connie Moddelmog,
Clint Ringering,
Jamie Sopiwnik,
Qhad Lifshitz,
Fanny Krashin,
Flash Gordon,
Iggy Wong,
Ugo Kalu,
Stew Fluhop,
Vejai Seepersaud,
Karen Kahoohanohano,
Sharon Dittbender,
Nissisissit Group, Ltd.
The following are actual conversations, unchanged.
1. "What do I have to do if I don't want it?" "Just say you don't want it".
2. "Do I have to return it if I don't want it?"
3. "If you prefer to speak with a human, press 5 now"
4. To continue in Japanese, press 1 now"
5. (Speaking to a business) "The diskette is our gift to you..."
"We don't have a computer"
6. "This is no longer the Geologic Environmental Agency" "What is it?"
"I don't know"
7. "Don't want it, don't want it, don't want it!" (3 no's and a go)
8. "Don't send it - I'm all cookbooked out"
9. We get two of those (&!$*%#) a month now so you can't sell anything to me buster"
10. "For a minute I thought you was one of those #%@* telemarketers" (halfway through sale)
"You DO sound like one of those #%@* telemarketers!"
11. "A Heritage Collectible Pony? - I have 3 acres - is that big enough for it?
12. "Is Mr. Dean there?" No, he isn't.
"Is Mrs. Dean there?" "No she's in jail."
"She's in jail?" "Yeah, she shot him"
"She shot him?"
"Yeah, he was in telemarketing, and that's why she shot him" (click)
The following fictitious conversation demonstrates how naïve people can be.
"Hello, my name is ( ) with Trusty Security Systems.
May I speak with the male or female head of household?
"We provide individuals and businesses with a nationally oriented security protection and provision plan.
"Do you or any members of the household work for a bank or a credit card company?
"You work for a bank? Could you provide us with the name?
"Do you work in any capacity of security there? By that I mean Do you have access to security devices, departments, vaults or security areas?
"Do you as an employee of the bank have numbers or parts of numbers to combinations?
"What hours do you work there? "What route to you take to your place of employment? (refused)
How many members are in your household?
Are there times when all of them are gone?
How many members of household are under 18?....(silence)...."This is only for demographic purposes....." Do they easily talk to strangers? Could you please spell their first names?
What time frame usually occurs when the house is left vacant?
Could I have the correct street address? City? State?
".....Well, we have representatives in many localities throughout the country that can provide a house call in the event it is convenient....."
Do you provide security protection in the way of alarms on your home? What type? How many doors and/or windows? Do you have smoke detectors? (smokescreen question)...Motion detectors? Magnetic switches? What brand of alarm system do you have? Are you connected to the local police by phone lines?
"Do you or any members of the family have any credit or debit cards? Which ones do you have?
Do you carry them with you?
What is the current balance of each one? May we please have
1-The account number, and
2-Pin number(s)? (pause....long silence)
"....Well, we want to provide a service to you in the way of security and protection. In the event you....
a-misplace, b-lose or c-forget your pin number(s). We want to be available as a public service to you, and a data bank resource center.
"It is a brilliant concept the owner of our company developed......"
"His name? We are not in a position to give out that information for obvious reasons."
"Available? No he isn't available. In fact he took an extended vacation....well, he was obligated to take an extended vacation....well, the plans were for him to spend it on an island, however the island is now uninhabited. (Alcatraz) You may have even heard of him on the evening news - there was quite a review about his aspirations"
...be back?" Around 50 years.
"However we provide the utmost in protection, security and reliability.
All information is strictly confidential. Yes that's right....strictly confidential.....No not necessarily....it means the information we RECEIVE is strictly confidential...."
"Security? Confidentiality?"
"Well, yes....our security is always constantly being improved upon. In fact, we just tied up another "loose end" recently. We are constantly improving on our screening process about employees and sensitive data accessibility.
"In any case....may we please.....hello?.....hello?.........(click)
© 1999 David Film
A Shepherd and The Consultant
A Shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture. Suddenly a brand new Land Rover came down the road out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an all silk high dollar suit with a Rolex on his wrist - leaned out of his window and yelled at the Shepherd "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one of them?" The Shepherd looks at him, puzzled, shrugs and yells to the yuppie "Well, yea, sure.
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook laptop, connects it to his cell phone, connects to a Nasa page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database with spreadsheets having complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the Shepherd and yells "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The Shepherd stared, blinked, and said "Yea - that's exactly right! Help yourself to one of them." He watched as the young man picks the one he wants, bundles it into the back of his Land Rover. Then the Shepherd says to the yuppie "If I could tell you exactly what you business is, will you give me the animal back?" "Yea, OK - why not." "You're a consultant" the Shepherd yells. "That's right. How did you guess?" "That's easy", the Shepherd said. "First you turned up here when nobody called you. You wanted to be paid for an answer to a question I already knew the answer to. And you don't know squat about my business, 'cause you took my dog."
Anonymous
Delegating Responsibility - The Counterfeit of Taking it!
A man in a hot air balloon was lost. Spotting someone on the ground, He shouted “Can you help me? Where am I?” “You’re in a hot air balloon” came the reply from the man below.
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “Yes, I am,” replied the man, but How did you know?” The balloonist replied, “What you told me is technically correct but it doesn’t do me any good.”
The man below answered, “You must be in management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “But how did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You expect people below you to solve your problems. The fact is you’re in exactly the same place you were in a moment ago, but now, somehow it’s my fault.”
Unknown
Ice Cream For The Soul
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all. Amen”.
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray….asking God for ice cream! Why I never!”
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”
As I told him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer. “Really?” my son asked, “Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper, he added “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile, he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes…and my soul is good already.”
Anonymous
36 Kinds of Dinosaurs
1. Allosaurus -
2. Anatosaurus
3. Ankylosaurus
4. Apatosaurus -
5. Archaeopteryx
6. Blue Whale -
7. Brachiosaurus -
8. Brontosaurus -
9. Cetiosaurus -
10.Deinonychus
11.Dimetrtodon
12.Diplodocus -
13.Eohippus
14.Euoplocephalus -
15.Glypotodon -
16.Ichthyosaurus -
17.Iguandon -
18.Mamenchisaurus -
19.Megalosaurus -
20. Metatherium
21. Mosasaur
22. Muttaburrasaurus -
23. Ornitholestes
24. Pachycephalosaurus -
25. Parasaurolophus -
26. Plesiosaurus -
27. Pliosaur -
28. Pteranodon -
29. Protoceratops
30. Scelidosaurus -
31. Stegosaurus -
32. Styracosaurus
33. Trachodon -
34. Triceratops -
35. Tyrannosaurus Rex-
36. Woolly Mammoth –
Hugging
Hugging is a miracle cure replacing any pills
Putting it quite simply, it takes care of any ills
Organically grown, our miracle drug’s contents can't be beat
It's a natural pain reliever, and so naturally sweet
Hugs set anger free, depression and discomfort
They reestablish confidence, protection and contentment
There are no doctor visits, and no monthly payments
There is nothing to pollute, and covers all resentments
In order for you to give one, requires courage faith and boldness,
Honesty and humility, and genuine forgiveness
Ironically it seems, to receive a hug as well,
You need the same requirements, no one can ever sell
There is no effort on the part of the one who delivers
And no moving parts wear out on receivers or the givers
It's guaranteed returnable, so each time you give someone
The hug will be returned to you, as natural as they come
The only side effect that can criticize a hug
Is that hugging is a addicting in large doses, like a drug
Thank God that even though you might get hooked on such a thing
The results of habit-forming hugs, no other drug can bring
©1993 David Film. www.DavidFilm.com
Do You Love Me?
A True Story
Once upon a time in a Church across the sea
Was a man who had a problem, perhaps like you or me
Exactly what his problem was is not the issue here
But the pastor would not tolerate it - I suppose he lived in fear
"What would others think if they knew you hit the booze
Or smoked cigars or cigarettes after sitting in the pews!"
He excommunicated him, told him "Don't come back
'Til you quit indulging in that problem in your sack"
The church was in Romania, and it was against the law
To worship in that building, or meet there anymore.
Being caught by the secret police, they could not afford
For they'd be shot right on the spot if they didn't deny the Lord.
Then one day, the moment of truth, the dreaded moment of time -
The Church was raided, forced outside, and told to stand the line.
"Step over here, deny the Lord" the soldier said with glee
"Of those who don't, they'll all be shot, the others will go free"
Amazingly enough it seems, the pastor was the first
To cross the line, renounce his faith, and be counted with the accursed!
The congregation was amazed when they saw the pastor's deed
"Is he a shepherd or a goat of this flock that he did lead?"
In the distance was a man who saw all this take place
He came running, and as he approached, they recognized his face
It was the man who couldn't live a life devoid of sin
Everyone wondered "What would Jesus have to do with him?"
"Shoot me too! Shoot me too!" the words came from the man
"I may not live a perfect life, but I do what I can.
The point is that my heart is right, regardless of a flaw
I'd rather take a stand for Him than that denial I just saw"
Now we may think "what a waste", by the words that he just said
That he would throw away his life in martyrdom instead
But do we stop to realize that what goes on inside
Is more important than what we see, or sins that we may hide?
The way we live, we forget the commitment that we vowed
Because we often live by a grocery list of taboos not allowed
The things we think of importance are the gnats at which we strain
And the camel we easily swallow is the commandment from which we abstain
Love the Lord with all your heart, your neighbor as yourself
Are the laws that are at stake today, priorities of one's self
Mr. Goody Two-shoes does not find that priceless pearl
When he thinks that he's so spiritual after passing up the world
There are people out there dying, in depression and despair
A "legalist" of do's and don'ts just produces guilt and fear.
To demonstrate reality, and not some plastic life
We're going to have to show them love, forgiveness free from strife
Guilt or condemnation is not the way to live
When dealing with those we meet in a world of take and give
If we're committed to His plan, and our love to follow Him
Then we'll see that whatsoever is not of faith is sin.
©)1992 David Film
If I Were the Devil
If I were the devil, just how would I work
To neutralize the work of God and smear it in the dirt.
I'd convince people that a Christian wears a sour face
His life is nothing but do's and don'ts, with not an ounce of grace
The ones who say "it doesn't cut it" will peel off the vine
They'll turn to drugs and wild life - some will turn to crime
They're looking for reality, and not some plastic life
Where Sunday's filled with rituals between six days of strife.
So I succeeded to turn them off, I gave this plan my best
But my work is not quite finished yet - what about the rest?
What about the ones in Church? There are two kinds out there
I have to work in such a way my plot will be a snare
First there are the religious ones who have a list of sins
Their laws will make a grocery list look like trivial whims
The more I add, the worse it'll get, until I finally built
A life cram full of legalism, and each move will carry guilt.
These are the ones who are the blind, in darkness every day
They think that they're so spiritual, so holy as they pray
So now I turn to another group, to me they're a real threat
They'll destroy my diabolical plan the more power that they get.
They know the Christian life is a simple work of grace
They know the Holy Spirit is in charge each day they face
What can I do to neutralize them, I'll never stop their task
Unless I make a counterfeit plan, a perfect fitting mask.
They know that if they walk in truth, they'll manifest the fruits
The Spirit of God produces, genuine from it's roots
But with idols in their lives, bondage's and obsessions
They'll be walking in total darkness with attachments to possessions.
So I have a list of fruits to match the nine they know
And then I will convince them from the high down to the low
That the darkness and bondage they got tangled in
Will seem like light and freedom, and the opposite of sin
Instead of love, it will be lust - a bondage or addiction
Some hobby or thing that they will "love" without conviction
Instead of joy - the happiness the Spirit of God produces
It'll be misery drowned in fun, and all that it seduces.
Peace will be tranquility, patience will be tolerance
Gentleness will be suave remarks, hardly showing genuine evidence
Sentimentality replaces goodness, showing compromise and slack
With a backbone like spaghetti, black is white and white is black.
Faith is now presumption, so when they trust the Lord
They overspend their budget, buying things they can't afford
So then what will they do, when money is their snare?
They'll write those check by "faith", when the money isn't there
Humility will seem so fake, conversations will be a drag
As they will fish for compliments, since THEY won't want to brag
With self control, I don't know how I'll counterfeit that one
'Cause all of their impulsiveness will come out of their fun!
© 1993 David Film.
Euro English
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesom "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languaj is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the forth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud have a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Unknown
Twenty Forms of Energy - Nineteen are free.
1-Solar - Converting the sun into heat, electric, food for nothing
2-Gravity - Harnessing gravitational force for nothing
3-Buoyancy - Making weightlessness work for nothing
4-Wind - Using wind currents to produce electric for nothing
5-Water - Putting water current to work for electric for nothing
6-Heat - To expand air, boil water, etc. for nothing
7-Cohesiveness - to produce torque to turn blades, for nothing
8-Magnetism - Harnessing the polarity field of permanent magnets for nothing
9-Agriculture - Growing anything to produce everything for nothing
10-Atomic - Splitting the Atom to release stored energy for nothing
11-Organic - Burning wood, etc. for heat for nothing
12-Fermentation - Composting carbohydrates to produce organic fuel for nothing
13-Electrolysis - Splitting H2O into Hydrogen & oxygen for nothing (at least 6 methods)
14-Brown's gas - Imploding hydrogen/oxygen for nothing
15-Manual - Working to produce anything for nothing
16-Welfare - Expecting everything in return for nothing
17-Credit - Buying anything with nothing and thinking that it is something
18-Stealing - Taking anything and thinking you are something when you are nothing.
19-Fossil fuel - Refining petroleum for combustion engines to sell to the world, control the world and pollute the world.
20-Love - Imparting wisdom & knowledge to the world expecting nothing in return.
©)2003 David Film.
Counterfeit Fruits
Love wants to give, but lust wants to steal
Joy comes from within, but fun depends on circumstances
Peace is a natural result, but tranquility is like taking drugs
Patience never runs out, but tolerance has it's limits
Gentleness is a genuine attitude, but suaveness is a plastic front
Goodness is based on conviction, but sentimentality acts out of convenience
Faith trusts in God, but presumption trusts in your own understanding
Humility doesn't take credit, but approbation fishes for compliments
Self control is being controlled by the Spirit, but
impulsiveness is being controlled by the flesh.
©1991 David Film
Jesus and Alexander
Jesus and Alexander both lived to be thirty-three
One lived and died for self; One gave Himself for you and me
The Greek died on a throne; The other died on a Cross
One's life a triumph seemed; The other but a loss
One led vast armies forth; The other walked alone
One shed a whole world's blood; The other gave His own
One won the world in life and lost it all in death
The other lost His life to win the whole world's faith
One died in Babylon - the epitome of bondage to enslave all men
One on Calvary - the culmination of freedom to deliver them again
One gained all for self; One Himself He gave for others
One conquered every throne; The other every grave
The one made himself a god of reputation;
The God made Himself of none
The one lived but to hate in war; Through the other's love, the war is won
When died the Greek, forever fell his throne of swords
But Jesus died to live forever Lord of Lords
One built a throne on pride; The other built it on humility
One built a kingdom on men's blood in war;
The other on His own blood in peace
The one was born of earth; The other from above
One won all the earth to lose Heaven;
The other gave up Heaven to redeem the earth
The Greek forever died; Jesus forever lives
He loses all who gets, and wins all things who gives
Charles Ross Weade - adapted
The Fervent Prayers of a Righteous Woman Availeth Much
It was the height of the Vietnam war when Evelyn Mitchell had been concerned about her son. He had no interest in the God she knew and served, but that did not change her unwavering faith to someday see him come to know Him. It was in 1966 when he enlisted in the Army at twenty years of age. She helped him pack his things, and on the very top of the clothes in the footlocker she placed a Bible. It would be years before he would ever open it, let alone read it, in spite of the fact that she had placed markers all through it for him to read whenever the right time came.
Joe Mitchell seemed to be a likable guy when I first met him, and from the beet-red complexion on his face, it was apparent that he could tell you stories of his years in the military. Growing up in the cotton fields of Mississippi with sharecroppers tell us where the term “red neck” came from - as cotton pickers eventually developed a band around their neck from wearing the cotton sack each day in the hot summer sun. But that was not where he acquired his unique personality. He reminded me of a retired Air Force Colonial I once knew, but Joe was a retired Platoon Sergeant. Within minutes after meeting him, you could see a genuine love coming through that war-torn personality, and I soon discovered why.
Joe had four sisters and a brother, although his brother died at 18 months from accidentally ingesting Kerosene. For years, his parents never went to Church, but people would often pick up him and his sisters and take them anyway. Eventually, his mother began going and soon received Jesus Christ as her Saviour. In October of 1985, she died, but not before God revealed his love and Truth to her. Her last words, sitting up in bed were “Halleluiah .....Thank you Jesus!”, and then expired. One day we will all know what it was that He showed her. Personally, I feel that He revealed to her what was to take place ten years later.
Joe spent 2 1/2 years in Vietnam during which time so many of our men were lost in battle. His closest scrape with death came in January of ’68 during the infamous “Tet Offensive”. The largest ammo dump was destroyed by the enemy less than half a mile from where he was stationed. By Oct. of ’72 he had his fill of Vietnam and spent the rest of his military career in Germany.
When his mother died, his life began a downhill slide of depression and despondency until he could no longer cope with life. He decided to end it, but wanted to leave this world with the impression that he had a fatal accident with his pickup from drunk driving. God had other plans as he survived the ordeal, and instead was busted for DUI. By rights, military personnel are thrown out of the Army for such an offense, but he was instead asked to retire. This type of decision meant the difference as to whether he would receive any type of retirement benefits.
As Joe was sharing this with me, he opened the front cover of the Bible that his mother gave him - dated December 1966. Although years of prayers and faithful determination on her part to someday see him know Jesus as his Saviour, he never read it until 29 years later. Reading the passages and chapters that she marked years before, he began to realize the love, relationship and patience of a Saviour that his mother came to know. It is a love so real, so great, so undeserving that motivates someone in such a determination to serve Him for the rest of their lives.
©1999 David Film.
Nikita Khruschev's testimony.
Nikita Khruschev was much in the public's eye when he was in the United States, and mystery has surrounded his demotion from being supreme ruler of the U.S.S.R. Mr. Ben Iler got this story from Gordon Williamson of Durban. He and his wife had ministered in Pakistan. Now they are in South Africa, witnessing to Asians from Pakistan and India in South Africa. Gordon Williamson was speaking at a banquet of the C.B.M.C. in Durban. A Russian ship was in the harbor. Friends invited the ship's captain and his wife, both professing and radiant Christians, to
the dinner. They told Mr. Williamson this story of their experience while attending a Christian meeting at a Black Sea summer resort.
Many Christians from Iron Curtain countries, including Yugoslavia, Hungary, Czechoslovakia and Russia, were at this large meeting. The last evening was a witness to the gospel. They were electrified and astounded, and I believe frightened, to see a white-haired man proceed down the aisle toward the microphone. It was Nikita S. Khruschev. From the platform he witnessed to his faith in Christ and said he wanted to turn Russia to follow in the footsteps of the Lord Jesus Christ.
As a child he had learned the gospel of John verbatim, and knew the Scriptures well. Later he went to a university and studied political science. He left his loving Christian wife and then divorced her. She was sent to Siberia. He then went after political power. He now regretted his actions and wanted to reverse himself and follow the Lord Jesus. The audience breathed a sigh of relief. Within hours, before he could return to Moscow to his seat of power, evidently spies
surrounding him, reported this to the Kremlin and he was demoted from all power and shelved.
Because of world opinion, he was not dealt with as other dissidents had been. John Needle, an East German who was sent from East Germany to Siberia, reports he met with Khruschev's first wife and she told him that she had daily prayed for his conversion. The underground church, I expect, reported this to her. I know there was joy in heaven. We are reporting these facts and
the chain of events, explaining the narrators are a Russian ship captain and his wife who saw the event itself.
Iler Williamson Tafner - South Africa.
Late Payment Excuses - From One Single Pathological Person!
The following were excuses from ONE SINGLE PERSON, except for #1 and #34
1-The check is in the mail
2-I called, but there was no answer
3-I drove by, but no one was there
4-I've been trying to get ahold of you
5-I got laid off from my job
6-I got fired from my job
7-My hours got cut back
8-My boyfriend has the car
9-The car wouldn't start
10-The car got stolen
11-The car broke down
12-I was out of town
13-My babysitter got sick
14-We were going to come by, but there were a bunch of kids in the car.
15-We couldn't find you (!?)
16-I forgot your phone number
17-I lost your phone number
18-I forgot your address
19-I don't have a phone
20-My neighbor's phone is out of order
21-I work this weekend
22-I don't work this weekend
23-I forgot the address where I work
24-The place where I work changed their name (I don't know what it is)
25-The place where I work transferred me ("Waaaaaay up north somewhere")
26-My boyfriend works waaaaaay south somewhere.
27-I'm coming right over
28-I'll be there tonight sometime. When do you close?
29-I'll be there tonight. Oh, no one will be there?
30-I was going to stick the payment in the slot, but all I had was cash.
31-I was going to stick the payment in the slot, but I didn't have an envelope.
32-I want to make a payment, but I need to speak to _______.
33-I was going to make a payment, but something came up.
34-I want to stay one payment ahead(!)
© 1994, David Film
Did You Know.....
1-In Louisiana:
It is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant
Biting someone with your natural teeth is simple assault
But biting someone with your false teeth is aggravated assault
2-In Texas it is illegal to shoot a Buffalo from a second story window
3-In Indiana it is illegal to take a bath between October and March
4-In South Bend, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette
5-In Alabama it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your hip pocket
6-In Tennessee it is illegal for frogs to croak after 11:00 PM
7-In N.C. it is illegal for anyone to sing off key
8-In Indiana, it is illegal to travel on a bus less than 4 hours of eating garlic.
Lost in the Cracks
What is it about me Lord, I don't understand
When people want to help me, and they reach out their hand
I need their help in desperation, so I reach back in return
But every time I do, I fear that I'll get burned
I suppose from past experience, that people let me down
They want to offer help, but then don't come around
Something had come up, they had a busy week
They couldn't fit me in, another promise they couldn't keep
You see, I'm not ungrateful Lord, I appreciate the thought
But I had a schedule to keep, but it all came to naught
I guess it hurts when people don't always come through
When it's a job where you need help, and it leaves you in a stew
It sure would've been better if they never said a word
Than to say you could count on them, and then you never heard
Another thing from them about it, or why they didn't show
Or someone didn't tell them, or that they didn't know.
Then one day, I found a man who lived out on the street
I offered him a place to stay, I thought would be a treat
He declined my offer, and made me realize
That the help that I had offered him was simply filled with lies.
You see, my good intentions were nothing new to him
Because a week from now, he'll be left out on a limb
Something will come up, just like what went on before
He fears that in a day or two, I'll send him out the door.
I made up my mind that day I saw that hungry, lonely man
And you sure made it clear to me and made me understand
That it's better to drive on by, and never say a word
Than to pick him up and say I'll help, and act like he never heard
There are people that I meet out there that know just how I feel
They want to tell how much they hurt, and whether it will heal
They're looking for good listeners, and not some talking head
They're looking for a love that's real, more than being fed.
You hear of people who do nice things, giving with their heart
They offer meals once a year, they feel they've done their part
But the people out there bleeding don't need that kind of love
They need the kind that's lasting, that's sent down from above
There's nothing wrong with feeding them, don't misunderstand
But what about tomorrow, they'll have an empty hand
The help we show just now and then will hurt them even more
The hurt will just get worse, and remain an open sore.
I feel like it's only me that hears or sees these things
But the people that I meet out there, I hear familiar rings
Many times I find that the church doesn't meet their need
People try to patch them up, but the wound continues to bleed
The love just isn't genuine - people put on an act
I know that they all mean well, good intentions are a fact
But how they talk and what they do with helping hands
Is like throwing out a wreath of flowers to a drowning man.
© 1991 David Film
Mixed Up Email Address...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, coordinating their travel schedules proved difficult.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel, opened his laptop and sent an e-mail to his wife in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS: Sure is hot down here!
anonymous
MOTHER
Many years will come and go as children cling to you
Out of need for love and nurture, hours your own are few
Trusting Him to give you all the wisdom, faith and strength
Heaven knows your job will stretch your patience to it's length
Expect Him to reward your task as you take them to His throne
Realizing that results you see will come when they are grown.
© 1999, David Film www.TinyUrl.Com/XNKQ
My mother taught me about consideration:
"I just washed that shirt. Take it off before you get blood on it."
My mother taught me logic: "If you get killed on that thing, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me about agriculture:
"Money doesn't grow on trees, and the world isn't a bed of roses."
My mother taught me medical science: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."
My mother taught me about meteorology: "Shut that window. We can't heat the whole outdoors."
My mother taught me about consequences:
"If you keep crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about time travel:
"If you don't stop whining, I'll knock you into the middle of next week."
My mother taught me about her concerns: "As bad as it may look, I'm afraid you'll live."
My mother taught me similarities: "You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about patience in repairing things.
"Wait until your father gets home - he'll fix YOUR wagon."
My mother taught me about answered prayer: "Thank God he's asleep."
“That’s a nice picture of you”. “My mother doesn’t like it. She says she wants to have it blown up.”
Unknown
An Ironic Page Out of History:
Here's one for the books (since you won't find it in many).
1882 was the year. But it began before that, when Nicola Tesla, inventor - discovered ways of transmission of electricity through the airwaves. He built a tower on Montauk Point, Long Island, and another in Colorado Springs, Colorado. During the years growing up, my brother and I took bike rides out to Montauk, at separate times, but little did we realize that history had been made there over 80 years earlier.
Working models proved it was possible to provide free electricity to anyone and everyone, simply by having them mount an antenna on their home and harness the electricity Tesla produced.
Tesla worked with Thomas Edison for a short time, but subsequently became his rival, being in a race to light up NYC. However, Edison's concept was to transmit electricity through wires, light meters and sell it to individuals and businesses.
Ironically, both needed funding to get the project off the ground. Edison's idea appealed more to J.P. Morgan as an investment opportunity, therefore he got the contract. So in 1882 NYC was lit up by the Edison Electric Company, as he installed the first large central power station on Pearl Street with 900 horsepower generators to light up over 7,000 lamps.
Nicola Tesla produced brilliant concepts, including the possibility of time travel (which the Government experimented with called "The Philadelphia Experiment"), and the alternating current motor which Westinghouse now has the patent. In his later years he lived basically in poverty and died a recluse.
That's generosity for you.
© 2002 David Film.
This Much
The sun was warm on the grass of green
The birds were singing gay
A lady sat at her spinning wheel,
And she watched her Child at play.
A gentle, handsome Child was He
This Child who had just turned three
Whose greatest joy and thrill right now
Was to climb the highest tree.
"How much do you love me?" His mother asked
Of this Child out playing so free.
"This much!" He cried, with His arms outstretched
And He ran quickly to her knee.
The years have passed, and this Child has grown,
He's strong and handsome still,
But the tree He loved to climb so much
He's just carried to Calvary's hill.
His mother kneels, and I see her tears
Falling silently one by one.
I'm sure she feels each hammer blow
As they crucify her Son.
"How much do you love me," the world has asked
Of this Man now crucified
"I love you this much," with His arms outstretched
And bowed His head and died.
Author Unknown
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