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GOD NEVER SAID WE COULDN'T LAUGH
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"messages from God"
"Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -- God"
"C'mon over and bring the kids. -- God"
"We need to talk. -- God"
"Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -- God"
"Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -- God"
"That 'Love Thy Neighbor' thing...I meant it. -- God"
"I love you and you and you and you and you and....... -- God"
"Will the road you're on get you to my place? -- God"
"Follow me. -- God"
"Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -- God"
"My way is the highway. -- God"
"Need directions? -- God"
"You think it's hot here? -- God"
"Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -- God"
"Do you have any idea where you're going? -- God"
"Don't make me come down there. -- God"
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"Bible Riddles"
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We
are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond
movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out
Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home.
The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were
kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel!
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let
light in, but how did they get light to the bottom
2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.
Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
Q. Who was the first Electrical Engineer?
A. Noah; he made the ark light on Mt. Ararat.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of
his stomach?
A. Because it was Paul's bottle.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he
proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and
proceeded to smash me."
Q. Will there be dogs in the new system?
A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.
Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.
Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh
Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible?
A. 2 Kings 8:1
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THE STARFISH STORY
There was a man who lived along the ocean. One morning, at about 5:am when he could sleep no longer,he decided to take a walk along the beach. It was a foggy morning and the first rays othe sunlight were slipping above the horizon. The man enjoyed the walk. It was as if the beach belonged to him. He glanced down ont he beach and saw a figure that seemed to be dancing. He wondered why anyone would be on the beach so early; his curiosity caused him to quicken his pace. As he drew nearer, he realized that the figure was that of a young man and he wasn't dancing, he was throwing something into the water. As he drew very close, he realized that the young man was picking starfish off the beach and was tossing them back into the water.
" Why are you throwing starfish into the water?"
" The tide is going out, the sun is rising and the starfish that are left on the beach will surely die," said the young man, continuing on his task.
"But that's such a waste of time and energy! There are so many starfish and there are miles and miles of beach. What difference does it make ?"
The young man thought for a moment. He reached down to pick up a starfish and said, " It makes a difference...to this one."
============================================================
Holy Humor!!
1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY,
TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!
That took care of the problem!
2. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
8. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
9. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R)
19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
============================================================
YOU CANT TAKE IT WITH YOU
>A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard >for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to >pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard >his plea and appeared to him. > >"Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you." > >The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an >allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. > >The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him >to take one small case with him. Overjoyed, the man fetched his small >executive attache case, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside >his bed. Soon afterward he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to be >greeted by St. Peter. > >But St. Peter, seeing the attache case, said, "Hold on, you can't bring >that >in here!" > >The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission, and asked him to >verify his story with God. > >St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one >item of hand-luggage, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting >it through." > >He opened the attache case and stared at the amount of gold bars in shock. >After a moment, St. Peter looked up and said, >"Of all the precious things you could have packed ... Why did you have to >fill your case with paving bricks ???" > > > ____________________________________________________________
> A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul
> > arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
> >
> > "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
> > seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these
> > parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
> >
> > "No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
> >
> > "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
> > do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can
> > choose where to spend eternity."
> >
> > "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
senator.
> >
> > "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him
> > to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open
and
> > he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance
is
> > a club
> > and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who
> > had
> > worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run
> to
> > greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while
> > getting
> > rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and
> > then
> > dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a
> > very
> > friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are
> > having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
> > Everyone
> > gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
> >
> > The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
> > St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
> >
> > So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented
> souls
> > moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
> > good
> > time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter
> > returns.
> >
> > "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose
> > your eternity."
> >
> > He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would
never
> > have said it,
> > I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
> > Hell."
> >
> > So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to
> > Hell. Now the
> > doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land
> > covered with waste
> > and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
> > trash and putting it
>
> > in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his
neck.
> >
> > "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
> > there was a golf
> > course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a
great
> > time. Now all
> > there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
> >
> > The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
> > campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
please go to PART II
www.ourchurch.com/view/?page=ID=202566
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