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LIGHTHOUSE 4 JESUS
Shane
Shane, its been over 8 years now ,son ,and the horror still remains,
Thoughts of you singing,writing,doing so many things.
Every day I think of you and wonder what changes the years would have made,
The love for you so strong in my heart will never ever fade.
I wake every morning and see your face in pictures and in my memories of you.
You're the last thing I think of when I drift off to sleep,praying that I wake up and find it isnt true.
That you're not gone,its been a dream, a nightmare that has lasted so long.
I pray daily to wake up and find you here,that you have never been gone.
I know this isnt what you would want,for me to grieve and mourn,
But its so hard,this life without you,I feel so alone and torn.
My firstborn of 2 children,my 2 sons,Shane and Shawn,my heart,my joy,
Oh,how proud I was of my handsome little boys.
You were only a loan from God,not allowed to stay,
Brought into our lives but too quickly taken away.
Always laughing,never sad,your crooked little grin,the I love yous you'd always say,
Not even 23 years old,you were taken 4 months before that day.
You would have been 31 July 17th,my son and I wonder every day,every hour,
How different our lives would be if you could have stayed,our glue,our tower.
You were the anchor to our ship,the bond that held us tight,
The peacemaker,the quiet one who made all things seem right.
You are so loved and missed,my child,more and more each day.
I can't wait until that day when we will reunite to stay
together,forever, in our mansion thats being prepared.
I know that you are with Him now,Jesus and our loved ones are with you there.
Wait for me,my darling son,for I will remain faithful to God and never ever stray,
For I will not be defeated,the thought of being reunited with you keeps me on that strait and narrow way.
I would have never survived if the Lord hadnt carried me in His arms,
comforting me,giving me peace,protecting me from harm.
Because I didnt think I could live in this world without you being a part,
He gives me strength but every day I feel you in my heart.
I'll never say good-by,I will see you in awhile,
Soon to be together again,how I long to see your smile.
I love you so much words cant express the sadness in my heart,
How I look so forward to that day when we will never have to part.
We will sing and shout praises to the King,
Oh what joy,oh what gladness,praises forever to ring.
You may be singing in the angel band,I can just hear yopu now,
The glow on your face,your voice singing praises,to the King we'll bow.
I know that dad,your uncles, and grandparents are with you in that place with Jesus as your heavenly host,our Savior,Redeemer,the One who died for all.
Holding you in His arms,I see you standing so straight and tall.
I'll see you soon,sweetheart, I will keep on keeping on,
Jesus is the Rock that I stand upon.
He is the One that will carry me through,
When my days are bad and I am missing you.
He lets me know that we will be together once again,
Forever and ever,nevermore to end.
BY DJ French 7/27/2003
For years I have looked at all the memorial quilts on other memorial sites and wanted one so badly. I knew there had to be alot of work involved so I never asked anyone to make one for Shane. I learned how to make gifts and things but had no idea how to even start making one of these pieces of art. A few weeks ago one of the moderators of a grief support group that I am a member of, PEACE 4 US posted that several of the other angel Moms was going to make memorial quilts for the Moms who didnt have one. I requested one and watched as the quilts started to be made and sent thru the group. Finally Nica finished Shane's and I cried for the rest of the afternoon and night when I saw it. It was like she had known Shane. Everything he enjoyed was on the quilt. When I composed myself enough to thank her and tell her how perfect it was, she said she got stuck many times and felt that Shane led her in making the quilt which I believe with all of my heart. Thank you Nica, I will treasure and cherish this beautiful memorial quilt for the rest of my life. Hugs, DJ
Written In Stone
Your gravestone finally arrived today,
That's what the voice on the phone had to say.
"Come check it over, make sure it's right,
and I will set it before tomorrow night."
I cannot begin to describe the shock that I felt,
When I laid my eyes on your stone, another blow was dealt.
Seeing your name, written boldly in stone,
My knees got weak, and I heard myself moan.
It is final now, you really did die,
The name on the stone is not a lie.
Denial has gotten me far in my life,
But I can't deny what is written in stone, my strife.
I had to run, and hide in the truck,
cause the tears are falling, and my heart has been struck.
That name that is written upon that stone,
is my beloved son, and yes, he is gone!
How many times can my heart be broken in two,
over and over, because I have lost you.
All I can think is "It's written in stone",
My son is gone, and I sit here alone.
I really didn't expect to feel this much emotion,
upon seeing your stone, and I wish for a potion,
to erase the wrenching torment I feel in my heart,
a pain I have become familiar with, since we have been apart.
"God,", I asked, "How much longer? How many more times,
must I feel this knife pierce my heart, live riddles and rhymes?
I know he is better off up there with you in heaven above,
but what do I do without the son that I love?"
I watched as the stone was placed on your grave,
And once again, I decided to be brave.
So I stuffed the heartache and pain deep inside,
with the rest of the feelings that I have to hide.
I told the caretaker, "It's a beautiful stone.",
as I stood there, I felt so horribly alone.
But my face did not show it, and that voice continued to intone,
You cannot deny it, it's written in stone.
written by Bonnie Atkinson
In loving memory of her son, Jonathan Ray Atkinson.
January 19, 1981- March 30, 2002
http://mysonjohn.com
I read the poem above when another precious angel Mom shared it in our grief support group. I will never forget the pain I felt all through my body as I watched the men lay Shane's headstone. My heart was broken in two, all of a sudden it felt so final when I saw his name, " Our Shane" written in stone. My legs wouldn't even hold me up as I sank to the ground and cried for whst seemed like a long time. I couldnt stop crying although I knew the men were very worried about me, not knowing what to do. I cried like this when I saw the beautiful quilt that Nica had made Shane also. That is why I thought this poem would be so right on the page where I display his quilt. The author captured the hurt and pain so well. Hugs, DJ TY again Nica for the beautiful precious gift of love that I know came straight from your heart. Dj
A MOTHER'S GRIEF
You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you,
You say you have to go.
How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see.
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say,
And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say,
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me
say the words I need to say,
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
and watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day,
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen,
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.
I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand,
and let me bare my soul.
You Are My Special Angel
Artist - Bobby Vinton
Album - Various Songs
Lyrics - You Are My Special Angel
My special angel
(Angel, angel, whoa-oh-oh-oh, whoa)
(Angel, angel, whoa-oh-oh-oh, whoa)
You are my special angel
Sent from up above
The Lord smiled down on me
And sent an angel to love (to love)
You are my special angel
Right from paradise
I know you're an angel
Heaven is in your eyes
The smile from your lips brings the summer sunshine
Tears from your eyes bring the rain
I feel your touch, your warm embrace
And I'm in heaven again
You are my special angel
Through eternity
I'll have my special angel
Here to watch over me
(A smile from your lips brings the summer sunshine)
(The tears from your eyes bring the rain)
I feel your touch, your warm embrace
And I'm in heaven again
You are my special angel
Through eternity
I'll have my special angel
Here to watch over me (watch over me)
Here to watch over me
(Angel, angel, whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh oh, oh)
Sleep Won't Come
The nights are so long.sleep womt come,
I can see thru the curtains that its time for the sun.
I toss and turn missing my son,thoughts going thru my head,
Praying I'll wake up and find the last 8 years a nightmare and hes not really dead.
Lord, I cry out to You for sweet peace of mind,precious rest,
Thoughts of Shane keeps racing thru my mind,everything seems a test.
I cry, I pray, but the emptiness in my heart remains,
I try to stay busy,try to refrain,
Myself from thinking of how it would be,
If my son hadn't been shot and was still here with me.
Lord, my life is so full of grief,
For my son, even though I have faith and internal belief.
I know that we will be together again one day,
Lead me, guide me, show me the way.
Help me to turn this grief over to You, leave it at the cross,
Help me to always keep my eyes on You, I give to You this loss.
I know You are with me, carrying me along the way,
But I still have this question, Lord why couldn;t he stay?
The pain in my heart is so sharp I feel I may smother,
Why my dear Shane,Lord,why not another?
I thought he was sent to me for all of my earthly life,
When we lost him,the pain cut thru like a knife.
This nightmare,this grief,this pain,this sorrow,
Lord, I ask You for a brighter tomorrow.
Shane, my love for you will never die in any way,shape, or form,
You will always be "Our Shane," my firstborn.
Love you always my son,Mom
By DJ French 9/16/03
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This poem was given to me by a dear friend of my son's Angela Tidwell, wrote by her.
all alone i wonder why he took my dear friend before
i could say goodbye.
i feel so lonely now because he is gone; he was
mostly the one who helped me carry on.
he was like my big brother; he was like my best
friend, but now i'm all lonely because his life had to
end.
i don't know why it had to end this way, but i do
think and wander about it everyday.
Ronald Shane Short was like my light; he helped me
see when things weren't right.
now my world is cold and dark because he is gone-but
ALWAYS IN MY HEART.
i have lots of memories; some good and some bad, but
when i think about my "pookie" it makes me nothing but
sad.
i still can't understand why it had to be like this;
i feel like my world was sealed with a deadly kiss.
i have lots of pain deep in my heart; but in my mind
we were never apart.
i will always love Shane till the day that i die,
but i will never stop wondering what happened and why.
by: angela r tidwell
august 12, 1995
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Letter To Shane
My precious son,
Its been almost 1 1/2 years since you left us,soon another Christmas will be here,as hard as the last.Shawn is going to be a daddy to maybe a little boy like Colton,your son,to be named Brylan Shane Short.Shawns hurt is still as real as the day you went away.You would have loved Jessa,the mother of your soon to be niece or nephew.She is so sweet,remins me of Gidget,with her independent ways,calm disposition,but yet,quick to fire temper when you hurt someone she loves.If we had lined up 1000 girls,she would have been the one that we picked to be Shawn's soulmate.My darling son,I wish that you could have found your soulmate in life.
Your friends still talk about you,from time to time.But in their minds,you will live forever,daily thinking about you.Some are afraid to mention your name to me and Shawn for fear of our reaction.Some who didnt even know you will still talk about how tragic it was about the young man that was killed but for you,there was no justice ever served.
Its been 1 1/2 years,Shane,What do they remember of you?What do they say now?Shawn remembers every minute of every day,yet,doesnt say alot except in his body language,the pain,hurt, and loss in his eyes that will never go away.Colton says my dady went to heaven March 10,1995 to help God take care of the children.He talks about you constantly.
Melanie thinks of a love that will never diminish because every time she looks at the little boy conceived by you and her,she sees you in his face and actions.
Your friends speak of their best friend,who was killed at 22,with a mind and IQ of one twice that age,of your winning personality,easy going manner,and your gift of making each one of them see their purpose in life.They speak with disbelief that you arent here.
The flowers,teddy bears,angels,letters and miscellaneous tell me that they haven't forgotten you and none who knew you will ever completely forget the impact you made on their lives.
Craig speaks of you as one crazy dude that he will never forget who was never afraid of anything.Brian,or "Gibby" as you both affectionately call him will hardly speak of you at all,as if not talking about it will not make it a reality.He,like us need some kind of closure,justice served.Margaret,as myself,keeps seeking answers and reasons for this to have happened and why nothing was done.
Nan surrounds herself with pictures of you as I,though we could never forget your face,crooked grin,one of a kind laugh,our baby Shane.She doesnt bring up your name much to me in fear of hurting me more,although in reality,I couldnt hurt more.
Bud and Fred hardly ever say your name but you can see the loss in their haunted looks.And you know Jiggs,he never says much about anything,never questioning God's mysterious ways.
Lane never can speak of you at all.He misses you so much and will always love you and calls you his favorite cousin.His memories of you are good ones.
I,your mom,feel as though a part of me has died.I reality,a part of my heart has died,but you live in every corner of every part that is left.My love,loss and pain is too great.Thank God that He gave me Shawn and Colton to give me the ability to try and cope with living in this world without you.
Most of your friends,when asked,replies,"Terrible,a total waste,had so much,a loving family,a Patrick Swantze look alike with never a time that he couldnt get any girl,one of the greatest people they ever knew".
They will talk of you more and more as time goes by.Thoughts of you will grow dimmer in their minds of the young man you were,and clearer as a symbol,a matyr even.Memory will be dulled by meaning.You will grow larger as you grow less real to them.
Meanwhile,the flowers on your grave will become less,the lettering on your headstone "OUR SHANE"will grow smoother,weathered,more like your papa's beside you,until inevitably,five years or a decade from now,the Christmas will come when there will be no footprints in the snow.
Yoor dad,so lonely,and always wishing that you two could have been closer,never losing sight of his first born son.
Shawn and Jessa will have this child,go through more of life's trials,grow wiser,and begin to notice that the funerals are growing closer between and each one of them make them think of you.
You will become,so slowly that no one will notice the echo of what was once a shout! Shane,Shane Short,I used to date him,I worked with him,a great poet and writer,hard worker,no fear,the best,so absolutely good.These are the things we will hear.
Thousands of young men and women in their beginning adult years,as you were,as mindless and innocent as you were that night,woke up the next morning to a colder,crueler world,a realer world,with anger,remorse,sorrow,anguish,regret and revenge in their hearts.
Your death changed these people,frightened them,hardened them.They learned,most for the first time in their brief protected lives,how short,the distance from life and death can be,that none are promised a tomorrow.
Its a sad judgement in our world that there could ever be a lesson in the death of a 22 year old man and the absense of any justice.It is,in the end,this that will be remembered and told.We are colder people today.
I love you so very much and you and our memories will never dim in my heart,soul or mind.Mom
By DJ French 8/21/96
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