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Qoutes and Jokes
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If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- Mark Twain
You Know You've Been A Consultant Too Long When...
1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the Macdonald's bags out of the back seat of your car.
2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is they do not have e-mail.
3. You have a "to-do" list that includes entries for bathroom breaks and lunch and they are the ones that don't usually get crossed off.
4. You refer to the dining room table as the "flat file".
5. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.
6. Your grocery list has been on the fridge so long that some of the items do not exist anymore.
7. You lecture neighborhood kids who have lemonade stands on ways to improve profits.
8. You refer to tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables".
9. You are exited when you have to work on Saturday because you can wear sweats.
10. You find you really need power point to explain to friends what it is you do.
11. You regularly eat out of vending machines and the most expensive restaurant in town in the same week.
12. You think that "progressing an action plan" and calandarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
13. You know the people at airport hotels better than you do your neighbors.
14. You ask friends to think "out of the box" when you make Friday night plans.
15. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a "matrix model".
16. You think working a "half-day" means quitting at 5 o'clock.
HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
4. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
6. Honk and wave to strangers.
7. Walk into a restaurant, eat their complimentary mints by the cash register, then walk out.
8. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
9. type only in lowercase.
10. dont use any punctuation either
11. Buy large quantities of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
12. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" ("What") "Never mind, it's gone now."
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Sing along at the opera.
16. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
17. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
18. In the memo field of your checks, write "for sensual massage."
19. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
20. Publically investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Trust Builders:
1. Empathize
2. Remember the little things
3. Keep commitments
4. Clarify expectations
5. Be loyal
6. Sincerely apologize
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
It all depends on your PERSPECTIVE:
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half you paycheck on accessories for it.
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male:
5. They've heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in their machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.
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