Jennifer's Testimony

April 5th, 2008

Romans 7:14-25 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am a creature of the flesh (carnal, unspiritual), having been sold into slavery under (the control of) sin. For I do not understand my own actions (I am baffled, bewildered). I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe.(which my moral instinct condemns). Now if I do (habitually) what is contrary to my desire, (that means that ) I acknowledge and agree that the law is good (morally excellent) and that I take sides with it. However, it is no longer I who do the deed, but the sin which is at home in me and has possession of me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but cannot perform it. (I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.) For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am (ever) doing. Now, if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it (it is not myself that acts), but the sin which dwells within me (fixed and operating in my soul) So I find it to be a law (rule of action of my being) that when I want to do what is right and good, evil is ever present with me and I am subject to its insistent demands. For I endorse and delight in the Law of God in my inmost self (with my new nature). But I discern in my bodily members (in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh) a different law (ruleof action) at war against the law of my mind (my reason) and making me a prisoner to the law of sin that dwellls in my bodily organs (in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh) O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from (the shackles of) this body of DEATH?  O thank God! (He will) through Jesus Christ (The Anointed One) our Lord! So, then indeeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh and law of sin.

I chose these verses to open my Testimony with because this I believe is the only way to explain some of the most unthinkable things that I managed to do! There is no other way to explain why even the things I thought were so horrible and inhumane, I was capable of doing anyhow? At least I never understood myself until I was saved, and started to study The Word. This has been one chapter I have leaned on for many years. Even saved, clean and sober, I have still found myself doing things I didn't even want to do, or no matter how hard I tried to fight urges I would give in..........Now, I understand. It is not me that does these things, it is the sin that lives in me. Does that make it right? No, it does not! The only thing I can do, and did do was confess and repent my sin, ask for the Lords forgiveness, and accept His forgiveness. For years I asked for forgiveness, but I did not accept it, nor did I forgive myself, and that brought me right back to the same behaviors/sins over and over and over again! When did I stop? When I got so tired, that I just cried and cried to The Lord to just please help me, give me the strength to stop these behaviors. Now I believe it is my turn to share some of my life with others, so that I can share HOPE! I felt so HOPELESS! I am not. As long as you are breathing, there is ALWAYS HOPE! I do not care what you have done, and neither does God. As long as your confession is truly from the heart, and your desire to change is too..........God does NOT turn His back on His Children!

Jennifer's Testimony In Christ!!!!

I Chose Beauty for my Ashes!

April 13th, 2008

My Name is Jennifer Caccavale. I am a 37-year-old single Mother. I am battling many illnesses, and live in chronic pain mostly everyday. When I wake up it is very hard to even just get out of bed. I am learning it is the attitude I have when I wake up that is going to determine how much pain I am going to have that day, or just how that day is going to go period! I was a hard core drug addict for most my life. I started at a very young age. I went from the rich kids way of doing drugs all the way down to the street life. There were a lot of major changes in between those years. The bottom line is I don't care who you are, who your family is, or how much money you have. Drugs can bring anyone to the lowest places that you may never have thought you would end up. They did it to me! I was never even arrested until I was 28, so until then I thought my life was ok! It wasn't ok, far from it, but I used the excuse that I don't steal or do illegal things, I have never been to jail or on the streets, so I’m not like those junkies in the streets! I became one of those people. I learned fast, and I learned the hardest way possible to learn! I fell hard, and when I went that far, I thought there was no turning back now, so who cared what I did anymore. I was going to die here because I put myself here! No one will ever forgive me, and better yet I will never forgive myself! So, I stayed on the streets on and off for 5 years! I tried to get help so many times. I was tired, I was dying, and I was sick of that lifestyle.

I was in jail one of the many times I was arrested, and I put myself into a Christian dorm. I did it because it was easier there, and I wouldn’t be as bored. They gave me books, papers, and pens to read and write. The other areas you had to buy those things on canteen. So little did I know that I was going to be effected while in jail by learning about the Lord?  We were only aloud to watch the news or Christian TV in there. I was in the bathroom area brushing my teeth one morning at around 6 am when a show came on. This show was called Life in the Word. Joyce Meyer was the speaker/teacher/host. Well, I was listening to it as background noise, and I literally dropped my toothbrush and turned to the TV listening intently! She was awesome. She was saying things that I could totally relate too. She was COOL; she wasn’t what I thought those nerdy Jesus freaks were supposed to be like! I started going to the church in jail, and I gave my life to Christ. I started reading the bible everyday, and I continued when I went home. I wasn't what they call a jail house Christian! I started to watch Joyce Meyer everyday on TV. She taught me a lot, and I believe that God put her on the TV that day to send me a message. I have learned so much more from her in the last 11 years. I am so grateful for that ministry for all they have done for me. I couldn't afford books, and they had me on their prison ministry, so they sent them to me for free even when I was home. I am not trying to be Joyce Meyer, but she made a GREAT impression in my life. She taught me how to grow in my walk with God, by reaching out to others. Thru reaching out to others I am growing more and more everyday! I am not campaigning for Joyce, but if you want some GREAT strong Christian books to read, I would suggest anything she has written. I have read maybe 20 of her books, and I will be sharing some of the devotions I read of hers on this site. I want to be able to be like that, make things simple enough to understand, yet strong enough to not fall back into satan's trap!!!

When I got out I found a real cool church to go to. My Pastor was saved in prison. There were a lot of bikers there too. There were people that had lived a similar drug life as I did. I was doing well, but I was new. I didn’t know as much as I do now. Looking back I know now that Satan was doing what he could to destroy my life again! He didn’t want to lose someone he had doing all of his dirty nasty deeds for so long! So, I continued to fall back into drugs on and off for about 8 more years! I had such great periods of freedom, and peace in my life. I was so desperate to get it back. I know now that this war is not of the flesh. It is a spiritual warfare, and I have to be on my toes at all times watching for Satan to sneak back into my life. I also had a real problem understanding how a wonderful God like our Heavenly Father and The Lord Jesus Christ could actually forgive all of those horrible things I had done to my loved ones,  and my child the most! It took me years to believe within my spirit that I was forgiven once I confessed, so that kept me backsliding a lot. I finally got so tired and so sick that I gave in, and I had to turn to God, I didn't know where else to turn. Then once I accepted Gods love and forgiveness I had to start working on my own self-forgiveness. That was the absolute hardest thing I had ever done in my life!

Let me share with you some of the things I had done that I was not able to forgive myself for. I abandoned my son many times, starting when he was an infant, and this went on for many years! I stole from my family, I lied, I was in sick seriously abusive relationships where I was tortured and beat on a regular basis, but I stayed because they supported my drug use, and because I felt that was what I deserved because I was such a monster! I now have many illnesses that I have to live with on a daily basis because of my drug use. I was in liver failure last year, and on a liver transplant list. I truly believe that God had a part in the healing of my liver because in scientific medicines opinion I was considered dead! No one would give me a liver because of my past. I am very sick now and always have to have blood work done to make sure I am not going back into liver failure. I am getting ready to have some more lab work done because I am having symptoms that are saying my GI system isn't doing so well. I also need to have a liver biopsy. I am in great risk of liver cancer or cirrhosis. I also now have to be on all kinds of medications just to eat without excruciating pain! My stomach has a disorder where it is paralyzed and cannot digest food on its own. The Dr's just say it is paralyzed, they do not know why? I believe that is due to all the overdoses  I used heavy-duty narcotics to try and kill myself with. They did something to my stomach and now it is paralyzed. Speaking of overdoses I had 3 that I was considered dead from and landed me in ICU for long periods of time. One of them I took over 600 narcotics types of pills. They were all very strong medications. I took methadone, dilaudid, zanax, soma, and roxycodone, and on top of that I was using cocaine, and alcohol. I was a dead person on a respirator, and they were trying to tell my mom to just let me go. They said if I did wake up I would be a complete vegetable and have no life at all. Another act of God I believe. I awoke screaming and yelling at all the nurses and doctors (once they took the respirator out of my throat!)I was once again, so angry to be alive! I was very sick for a very long time recovering from that overdose. I still feel that I am not the person I once was. My brain is not as quick as it used to be. I have problems thinking and getting words out, and that was never a problem for me!

I put my family through hell during these times. It is amazing how much unconditional love I have in my life! I mean they were angry, disgusted, and fed up many times. Who can blame them? No matter how much someone loves a person there is only so much they can handle, and I put them through their share for 10 lifetimes! Now, I have all of my family members back in my life, including my Mother and Son they were hurt the most! I am so grateful to God for this. I know I wouldn't have the closeness and love that I do in my home if God hadn't made it happen for me. He knew that I couldn't live without my Mother and my Son. So, He gave them back to me. It took a very long time to get the trust back, and even now there are time when they look at me with that look of worry and concern. My Mother is actually taking care of me at this time in my life. My illnesses have gotten worse, and my pain is progressing to where I am bed ridden majority of the time.  I believe that the depression, and the hopelessness was the devil trying to get me to give up again. I may not feel so well somedays, but I get up. I pray, and I refuse to let satan have me! It is amazing how many times I tried to kill myself, and I really tried to kill myself because when I awoke I would curse, and scream at everyone around me for saving my life. I did not want to be alive. I thought I was hopeless, and that I would be better off dead, and my family would be better off if I was dead too. Now, I live in pain and get sick often due to auto immune diseases, but I am more happy to be alive now then when I was healthy and young!

I am using my weaknesses and disabilities for God. My hopes are to share my life with others, and maybe I will be able to help people to overcome their hopelessness. No one is HOPELESS! I know what it feels like to just want to give up, even after becoming a Christian! I look back at how things were going in my life then, even when I would go back on drugs, and I left God, BUT GOD NEVER LEFT ME! I see times when God was trying to make me realize he was there. I would just ignore Him. I felt I was so unworthy, that I was even unworthy of His love! No one is unworthy of the love of God, that is why He sent His Son to die for us! So that we will be forgiven of all of our sins.

I also want to add that I am a grown up child of serious abuse. I was sexually abused, raped by an older man over an over again at 13. I was molested as a child, and I still have no clue who it was that was doing it. I remember the acts, but can’t remember the person. I was moved around a lot. I basically raised myself at an age too young to be responsible for myself; My Mother was in College and worked FT. I know she was trying to create a better life for us, so I am not resentful toward her. I was a long time ago, but I have worked all those feelings out. I have even forgiven all the many many men that have hurt me, including the ones that molested and raped me. I cannot hold onto resentments and walk in the Love Of God at the same time.

I am on here to help abused women, drug addicts, the chronically ill, or chronic pain sufferers, anyone that can relate to anything I may have written. A lot of people become addicted to narcotics just due to their pain and diseases that cause pain. Feel free to write to me, ask for prayer, post things on my message forum for me, and others to see. I feel the message forum is a great idea for people to be able to help one another. Just go and post a problem or a topic that you want to discuss, and maybe people that read yours may want to share their experiences with you and others too! I made this site because I feel that I may be disabled, but God is using the time I have to be here for people all over the world that are searching for someone to listen. I did that about 4 years or more ago. I wrote on a message board on a Christian site, and I found so many people just loved me for who I was, and showed the Love Of God to me through themselves! That is what I want to do here. I do not care if you are still on drugs, or in other situations that you feel are wrong to ask for help from God. God never turns His back on us, no matter what we are doing, if we just call on Him, He will be there! I was still battling my addictions when I wrote to this other site, and I was not judged. The same love they showed me, I want to do show others. I am not here to judge anyone. I am here to show you the Love of God, and hopefully help to guide you closer to the Lord, so that he can start the amazing work in your life, that He started in mine! It did not happen over night. It took years! Now, I feel it is my turn to give back, and that is why I am here; to give back. I am a vessel God uses to reach out to hurting people and I take this very serious. This is my calling in my life for now.

I am also a writer, and believe that one day soon you will be seeing my name in the bookstores, until then I am following the lead of God. This is where God has lead me for now.

Thank you for your attention and I sincerely hope this testimony has touched someone!

Jennifer Caccavale

Update to testimony

12/06/08

A devotional that goes well with what you are about to read below.........

Jesus took Peter, James, and John up on a high mountain........Matthew 17:1

Notice three things (1) Not everybody gets to go up the mountain. Jesus three who went. He didn't take everybody, so nobody would feel slighted. And He didn't explain or apologize to the other disciples who stayed at ground level. God loves us all equally but He doesn't give us all the same assignment or experiences with Him. God makes the call, not us, so trust Him. He knows what He is doing. (2) Those who go up the mountain aren't necessarily wiser or more spiritual. After seeing Jesus enveloped in the glow of God Glory, Peter blurted out, "lets build three tabernacles and stay here!" Peter was sincere, but he was sincerely wrong. Resist the temptation to speak instead of waiting to hear what God has to say, or build your ministry around an experience you've had that's designed to equip you personally, not become the theme and emphasis of your life. (3) God's plan is to feature Jesus, not you. And it is a lesson we keep having to learn over and over. "While he was still sleeping, a bright cloud eneveloped them, and a voice from a cloud said "This is my Son, whom I love, with Him I am well pleased. Listen to Him!"....... When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus. Matt 17:5-8 The greatest challenge in your life is getting to the place where you focus on "no one except Jesus" The most important relationship you have is with Him. The only plan that will work out right is the one He gives you. And the power needed to fulfill that plan comes from Him alone.......

I would like to update this testimony a bit. When I started this site I was ill , but had no insurance or any ways to get treated for my illnesses. Since then there were a lot of struggles, but God started working on them too. I had so many battles getting a doctor to care for me. I had one Doctor, but the organization  that was helping me did not cover specialists, and I needed a lot of specialists! I was taken care by her for one year, but my health was deteriorating. I finally got on state medicaid, which also did not have the specialists I needed in my area. I would have had to travel very far to see the kinds of Drs I needed. I was offered an HMO that works with medicaid, so I accepted it. So, now after many many stressful encounters, and even having to report a Dr.........I have a whole group of awesome Drs!

I see all the turmoil I went through that was so frustrating at the time was all Gods doing. He was 1 showing me a lesson in patience to know that if I just waited, He would send me all of the care I needed and the BEST too! Well, I am in Pain management now. They have so far started me on medications to manage my pain enough so that I can be more functional in life. I am waiting for my physical therapy to get approved. The Dr is also waiting on more of my medical records to come in so he can plan a better pain management program to fit my needs. I have to add here that the first visit at this pain center was absolutely horrific! I had never in my life been treated as horrible as I was by the physicians assistant i saw for my first appointment. Which made me lose so much hope, but also made me angry! So, I proceeded to take action. I was not going to take this lying down because I had waited 2 years to get into pain management. Well, I got a lot of attention from the letter of complaint that I wrote. I got so much attention, that they actually looked at my chart and noticed all my different ailments, injuries, nerve damage, RA, and fibromyalgia. So they decided that the Dr I was initially assigned to was not the kind of doctor I needed to see. So, I was switched to a kind of Dr called a phsyiatrist.  This is a doctor of the body. He is so nice, so caring, pays close attention to every detail, and understands the whole body, like how one ailment may effect or irritate the other. I also am not able to take the medications that would  help my RA/Fibromyalgia pain due to liver damage. So he knows what kinds of meds I can and can not take. When I look back at how all of this worked out, it was all Gods doing. If i hadn't had that horrible treatment from the other Dr, I would not have gotten the attention I needed. They would not have known of all the different injuries and sicknesses I had, and would have just medicated me, and not treated me! It was amazing looking back how Gods plan was to get me from the one Dr I was assigned to, to the Dr that God knew was the appropriate Dr for me.

Well, then I also finally had a test I have been waiting almost 2 years for. I had it done 2 weeks ago. I just found out yesterday some real bad news. Because of all the Over doses on many different kinds of pills I have had, all the years of drug use combined, and my Hep C.......I found out I am in late stages of liver disease. I am in stage 4, and that is the end stage of liver disease. I do not yet know the complete outcome of all of my tests. I am going for more tests Monday and then to see my Dr either Tuesday or Wednesday.

As of now I know I have cirrhosis and possibly liver cancer. I may be too late in the stage to have the treatments I was trying for two years to get for my Hep C. I am basically anytime away from my liver failing. I already have been in liver failure once, and God put his hands on me. I woke up. I was healed, and all the doctors were baffled. They had no scientific explanation at all. They told me I was a miracle, and that was all they had to say. As I have previously stated before in my first testimony I have also been on a respirator, completely brain dead with no brain activity at all from a previous drug overdose. I know deep in my  heart that God has not saved my life so many times just so that a couple of years later I can die from liver failure. I do not know what Gods plans are for me now. I just have to sit back, pray, have faith and hope, and wait. The reason I am updating this testimony is to tell people the reality. I did not want to mislead anyone by the miracles God has done in my life. I am not saying hey don't worry about overdosing, it will work itself out or God will do the same for you. There are reasons why God does perform miracles in everyones life. The reasons are different for all of us. The reality of what had happened to me, is I was spared my life many many times. More then I can believe. It still baffles me when I think that I can honestly count 11 times that I should be dead. And at least half of them were from drug over dose, suicide attempts. I also know the times I should have been dead, I really was trying to die. I was so angry when I woke up. I was angry at God more then anyone! I wanted to die and God just would NOT allow me!!! Well, I am very happy that God kept me alive. I have a wonderful Mother, and the most awesome Son in the world! Now, I am suffering the consequences of all of my past decisions, and I do not know of Gods next plan? The scientific reality once again if we want to go scientific is I do not have very long to live. Liver failure is a long horrible, painful, and very agonizing death. I know I have seen it first hand. I jut wanted to clarify this because I made this website to share my experiences mainly to help people NOT have to even feel like they need to suffer as I did. To let people that are hurting see the miracles that god did perform in my life. To show you that God performed these miracles because He LOVES His children so very much! You do not have to go as far as I did to learn these lessons, and you certainly wouldn't want too. I may be alive, I may have the Lord now, BUT I am not well. I am dying! God allowed me to live, so that I can tell others He loves you. Before you try drugs to escape or try to take your life.........Try calling out the the ultimate doctor, friend,psychiatrists, healer, ALL MIGHTY LOVING FATHER. He can take that pain away, He can help you get through whatever it is you are facing! I did not know these things. I had no hope or faith. I had to learn it the hard and painful way, and now I am here to tell you that I am so grateful I found the Lord. I am so grateful I have Him to lean on in these scary unknowing times, but I wished I had tried calling on Him before I went where I did. Because life for me everyday is no basket of roses. I live on many pills a day. There is not enough pills to kill the pain I live in. I have a 15 year old son that needs his Mother. He takes care of me, more then I take care of him. I have to wake up and go to sleep every night wondering if I will see him graduate from high school, get married, and have a family? I have to live my life everyday praying to God "Please do not let today be the day I get so sick that I can't get out of bed!" The day that comes will be the last day I get out of bed, and I KNOW THIS! I have seen it. So everyday that I get out of bed, eat, get dressed, and walk are the days I am going to live to my fullest, love my son as much as I can, laugh more then I ever have in my life, and Thank God for yet another day of life.........That is a long way from the lady that tried to kill herself 18 months ago, came out of liver failure by the grace of God, and swore at everyone around me and God that I was STILL ALIVE! Now I grab everyday with gratitude, love, laughter, and most of all I take hold of Jesus hand every morning and say THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU..........

In His name only I am alive

Jennifer Caccavale