Jennifer's Blog
There was a time in my life where I was so angry, and I thought the world owed me.
I made excuses for everything I did, and believe me I had a lot of reasons to make excuses. After all I was an abuse victim from childhood into my thirties. I am a child of divorced parents, and probably what most would consider a beyond dysfunctional family.
Do not get me wrong. I was emotionally scarred, and was an emotional handicap at best! I had the poor me's, the anger, the resentment, and the (you know what )the world attitude, and I felt I had every right to be and feel this way!
At a young age, I did have the right to be angry and sad. I had no clue why I was the way I was. I had no idea how much the abuse I endured as a child did have a serious effect on where my life ended up, and why I did the things I did. I also know I am a very intelligent person, and always have been. So a very long time ago, about 25 years I learned that I could get what I wanted from my Mother and other loved ones by playing the guilt hand. I knew how guilty she felt for the things that happened to me. I knew she felt as though she was very responsible for all that happened to me. As an infant, toddler, and a young girl yes she was responsible for me, but how could she take responsibility for things she did not even know about?
Well, as time went on I used the poor me's to be a very self centered self destructive being! After all my Mother owed me and so did the world!
After many years of my loved ones trying to get me help, including my Mother nothing in my attitude changed. Things progressively became worse. The guilt trips were slowly getting old. Even though I could get away with then once in awhile I became tired! I decided ok I am going to give in, and take advantage of the fact that I did have so many people that love me. I had a very very long road ahead. There were many many backslides. I took two steps forward and ten or more back. I became so frustrated with myself, and would give up often. I would go back to my old angry self. I *thought* every-time I fell back it meant I threw all that hard work away. I have learned today that those ten years, which were more like twenty because it took months sometimes years to get back to the hard work, were the best years of my life. If you would have asked me then, I would have cursed you out! I was so very angry that I even needed so called help. therapy, even medication at times. I still struggle. I still fall backwards, but I have come to learn that just means I am human! Life is a struggle. Life is full of lessons, pain, and happiness all in one! Yes, the things I had to endure as a child were not fair. Yes, I think I was dealt what they call a bad hand. I was born into my family, and exposed to things that no innocent child deserves. Those things were awful. I was a product of the horrific things that had been done to me. Well, since I am a poker player, I will put it this way..............I was dealt a bad hand as a child, but as an adult if the hand is starting to look not so good, I can fold.
I can walk away and try another hand that makes more sense, has better opportunity, and will give me, well a royal flush!!!! Happiness is my choice now. I have no more excuses. I can't use my past as a cop out. I worked hard, I worked VERY hard on myself, and now that I am free of my past ghosts, I have the choice to make life easier or harder for me!
I mean there is some things that happen in our lives that are completely out of our control. That is when I learned to give all complete control over to God! Oh I take it back, I take it back a thousand times a day some days! The greatest thing is I can give it right back, and He doesn't yell at me, or tell me how much of a loser I am. He takes me back, and not only that He LOVES me back to life. He always loves me! It is just I turn away from Him so very often, but that unconditional love proves that no matter what I do God has faith in me. I don't need human affirmation anymore.
It took many many years to learn that my old feelings and behaviors were so self absorbed! I truly thought the world revolved around me, that everyone was against me, and everything was about me! After so many years of living like that, I just really have little tolerance for people still feeling as though everyone and everything is about them, and the world owes them something because of the horrible life they had. Yet I went threw it already, so it is kind of my responsibility to be there, be patient, and try to help them! If you read my testimony and a lot of my writings I think you may agree I am one person that can actually be justified feeling that way. I had a horrible life, but I took it and used it to make me strong, to reach out to others, and to be an example. I was hopeless. I was pathetic. I was hateful, and I was SAD! I was, and am also very very strong to have walked threw all of that pain, and really go back threw a lot of real raw painful feelings, so that I could become who I am today.
And today I realize life is tough, people will hurt me, and disappoint me. I get over it because after all IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!!! It is about using my weaknesses, pain and growth to help another come through it as I did! That is what life is about. Being selfless, and helping others find their own strengths through this tough thing we call life!
written by
Jennifer Caccavale copyright 2009
Are You my Father?
All of my life I had this question in my mind. A notion of what a Father is supposed to be. Does not a Father love his child? Does not a Father care for and nurture his child? Does not a Father stay involved in his child's life, through the good and bad? Does not a Father have interest in their child's school, achievements, and activities? Does not a Father care about his young ones healthiness? Does he not look forward to spending the holidays with his youngster? I have a Dad. The question is did I ever have a FATHER? It reminds me of the book where the baby chick is walking around asking all the animals at the farm "Are You My Mother?" Being a baby, the chick did not know what a Mother was. He only knew that he couldn't find her, and that he needed her. I feel as though all of my life I have been doing the same thing. I was looking for my Father. I knew I needed one. I just had no idea what he was supposed to be. As I grew older the question seemed more difficult. I was still searching for my Father. I was also having a natural attraction to men. I had no idea how to separate the two yearnings. So, my many desires for boy's later becoming men were a combination of boyfriends, lovers, and yes Fathers!
It seems simple enough. I already have a Dad. The man my Mother married. This man was in fact a big part of my creation. I do know him. He has been in my life. He was not a part of my life. He was not an active participant of my life. I craved this from him. I believe at some point in my life the void became unbearable. I do not know when this began? I do know it was very early on in my life. This made me very vulnerable toward men. This is a journey I have only taken in my mind. I believe now that it is time to take my feelings of this journey I call life, and put it on paper. I feel that it is time to share my life with others. It may just finish my healing, and hopefully heal others in their walk with me! Our experiences may differ, but I am sure that our feelings will be very similar!
Jennifer Caccavale copyright 2009
