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*** Fenton ***
Quote: "You are the salt of the earth, you are the
light of the world" -- Pope John Paul II
(World Youth Day 2002 A.D., Toronto, Canada)
"Mastering others is Strength, mastering yourself makes you fearless." -- Lao Tzu
==================================================
Fenton's Calendar of Events: "Cale-Fenton"
July 2009
Happy Father's Day month!
This month's featured links:
free Jewish, Messianic Bible, upon request
British, Christian magazine, for more reading
Called to be Free
The Beattitude
We're all going "Jesus" here,
Hopping from Church to Church,
Where is Jesus?
Where is Einstein?
=======================
featured essay:
(a funny story to amuse you!)
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible . . . reads like the science of astrophysics, confused with religious studies:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve (the nuclear explosion was called the “big bang”). Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor's stuff…
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
really tall guy with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would
be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius
the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
**************************************************
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