Letter B - Theistic Belief and Unbelief(s)
Search for Jesus in Me, There you shall Most Truely Find Me, There I shall set you Free
- A Psalmist
From The Crib
From the moment I was born into the world, I was aware of beings that carried a presence, almost always one that felt unwholesome, invasive, un-natural, repulsive, and worse of all- utterly horrifying and evil. By evil, I mean that as such a thing approached, it emanated a presence that was itself overwhelming and suffocating due to the evil emanating from it. As soon as I could talk, I was able to tell the young adults and elders of my family of dark spirits and demonics- beings of chaos and most rancid evil.
They were terrified, since they had observed powerful paranormal occurrences about my baby form from the moment I was brought home following birth. I knew of things so profoundly dark, twisted, and evil, that the psychologists I was sent to at a few years old was after one session forced to pass on my case and be omitted for psychiatric help. I knew damaging horrid things, that should not be spoken of- the arcane teachings of the minions of the Enemy. Indescribably horrid demonised dreams haunted my sleeping hours, and during the day and night I was continually haunted.
None could lend aid- when it was at its worest, a spirit appearing as my Grandfather would come and fight them off- but through the gift God had opened in me, I discerned evil- this was the hardes to discern, for it was Lucifer, the great pretender. Years later I would rebuke him in Jesus's Name, but a that time, the Evil One sew when I recognised him and vanised to return another time with a new trick. I soon learned others could not see/hear/feel these things, only their effects (if any physical effects could be discerned). SOmetimes people heard things, such as clawed talons stalking about me, but usually they noticed nothing.
Then, one day, as a young boy, God gave me an incredible bounty of Grace and came to save me. My parents, seeing the paranormal as possibly mystical happenances caused by mystical powers driven by my apparently evil imagination, out of desperation sought a priest to provide a placebo remedy. In doing so, they opened a door to one of God's workers.
God's Right Hand A Decon of the Catholic Church, came to investigate my case. He decided to perform a special blessing as a form of exorcism. I knew nothing of God or the Church, and no attempt was made at that time to inform me. Pat sprinkled what appeared to be water about the family household and spoke in odd words that I did not understand (which I later learned to be Latin, perhaps the Rites of Exorcism).
He asked that one of my parents stand behind me, as a time would soon come when I may fall over. Then, standing before me, during the pronunciation of the prayers (in Latin) he made, Pat reached out and- in a fraction of a mere moment, I was consciously aware of the tips of two fingers from one of his hands touch the skin of my forehead. Only enough time passed for me to comprehend the touch- the pressure of the touch that would follow as the skin of his finger tips and my forehead would gently crease. For before the sensation of the pressure of that touch could be experienced, I was taken in the spirit to be before God.
I was before the Almighty Lord God. All about me was, out to infinity, a red background with everywhere in it were (and I add this descrition after ater discernment) toungues of flame, each caught still in mid flicker as if a short tiem was being made to last unimaginably long. I felt, for the tiniest moment, some fear of the flames and the lack of floor beneath my feet. The fear was gone as soon as it came. This place brought me a comfort that can not be described; no harm reached me from it. My body felt a little warmed- but no pain or discomfort of any description. There was no up and no down, for there was no gravity, yet I felt geometrically secure in my position on my legs there before God. The presence of God was barely contained by the man form he appeared as before me. I sensed, as with my Fathers Father, a presence that was wholesome and natural. That in his presence I bowed my head, not ever seeing His face, happened so much at once and was so natural, that I never questioned why (or even gave thought, until in recent times I read the story of Moses). Only years later, did it also occur to me that I never once looked directly, with my spirit eyes, at Him. I was utterly aware of the man form of God, that He even chose to wear a white robe and took a single step toward me. It would seem the human soul can see with more than just its spirit eyes! Yet, as I have found in later studies, as a Catholic, none may see God, or atleast that is to say, the face of God, until judged. Which opens a plethora of other questions- what is meant when people speek of seeing God? Though I do not know the answer to this question, I do know that one, even when meeting directly with God (as did Moses for example) can not look directly at God without lowering ones spirit gaze in head bowed humbleness automatically. The soul was crafted to know its maker. Standing in the spirit before God is like being a child, standing, head bowed, before a good father. You know your father is before you. You feel he is there, yet somehow you keep your gaze lowered instinctively, without ever even interiorly questioning the act.
Somehow I felt it would be highly appropriate for me to bend my knee and atleast bow down my head and shoulders before Him, I even felt compelled by my own will to do so, but I turned this feeling aside as a foolish one: Why should I submit to anyone or anything? In God I felt a power that was infinite, and altogether awesome; yet I did not fear . Then, I felt the voice of God: or rather, the will of his voice, for there is no air in the spirit realm where air might vibrate. I had (and remain to have) a fairly scientific mind, so from this I deduced as much as realised that I was in the spirit before God- I was hearing with spirit ears, standing on spirit legs, seeing with spirit eyes.
God spoke with authority, and I felt his voice to be stern, commanding and caring- a fatherly form. He told me I must submit to Him, my Lord. Arrogant I was at this time, why, I am not sure even myself. Perhaps it was out of a form of defensiveness born of a need to resist the dark forces of the enemy, or perhaps out of sheer human pride to attain complete independence. Most likely it was both.
I struck out my spirit chest in fierce defiance (yet somehow my eyes always being unconsciously averted to somewhere atleast just below the level of His face), and told the Almighty flatly : No- I shall submit to no Lord. No one, no thing, shall be my Lord, I will be no Slave!
I felt Gods great voice again- He told me that my very soul had been crafted to be the servant of He, my Lord God Almighty, my Father, that no matter how much I resisted Him I would eventually Submit and Serve Him, as a Son does serve his Loving Father, as a Son does serve the one God. For more powerful is He than all things together, and all things must bow their knee- Not least my young self, who is to submit and give worship.
Yet, in arrogance, childish arrogance or not, I defiantly refused our Heavenly Fathers bidding.
At that, I felt the will of God- So be it, you shall learn. Then the great Right Hand of God, I sew descending down toward me. It was a large hand, thick fingered, masculine and strong, cloud white and ever so partially non-corporeal.
It came upon my back, the centre of that great hand resting across my shoulder blades. I felt a great weight pressing me down, and I knew at once with certitude it to be a force that had I not been in spirit form, would have crushed my physical form in an instant. I felt the might of God pressing down on me, and carefully tempered behind that an infinite might, slowly forcing me down to my knees. Yet stubbornly I ever struggled, fighting to remain stood in a posture of defiance.
The voice of God spoke so that I would know that eventually, no matter how long it took, I would learn to yield and submit to God. There, beneath the Right Hand of God, I learnt the infinite patience of the Heavenly Father. I knew he could crush my spirit form in an instant, or else drive me to my knees instantly with ease. Yet he allowed me to fight for time upon time, to resist and wrestle with his will for more time than I have felt culumitatively pass before or since by many times over.
I knew that he was willing to let me struggle for what might be whole human life times; however long it would take for me to learn to humble myself before the Almighty, he would spend that time for me. However long it would take. Yet I felt no pain, no boredom, no fatigue, no hunger, no absence of old memories- for I was in a place that in itself kept my spirit ever healthy, before the presence of He that gradually forced me to submit.
Finally, I came to my knees before God, defeated. I knew that he was my Lord, that my soul had been crafted so as to never be able to overthrow the Almighty, that he was my Lord, my Father, My Life.
I bowed further forward and gave worship, my spirit form knelt on bended knee in prayer in the position I had been driven down into under the Right Hand of God- worship not in fear, but in absolute profound awe and respect. As I gave worship, I bowed slowly more and more forward.
In that very instant that my head touched that plane that represented the ground at the feet of the Almighty, I was suddenly back in my body again. I felt Pats finger tips lift from my forehead (I had no recollection of the sensation of how long they had been pressed against my skin), and I collapsed, completely drained of physical energy and utterly lathered in sweat.
I lay on my parents living room floor for a couple of hours, till long after Pat had finished talking quietly with my parents (apparently instructing them on what should follow). I could barely hear them, for I had not the energy to even use my ears. I gave in to exhaustion and slept, peacefully and fitfully for what seemed (and perhaps was) the first time in my young life.
When I rose later that day, I went straight to my mother, for I was full of guilt. I apologised over and over, for leaving her presence for so, so, so long a time- How sorry I was to make her miss me. She calmed me down and said Why, you have nothing to be sorry for-you have not been away anywhere at all.
Then I realised a truth that cleared my then apparent befuddlement- that in the place God spoke to me first, time did not pass in the same way as it did here. A Name that Saves
Unable to tell others of my meting with God, without being told to remain quiet or else be called insane, the time came when I gave up to talk of my meeting. I failed to learn to give worship to God. In the years of my child hood that followed, I oft encountered, in dreams or else hauntingly in my presence, minions of the Enemy (i.e. Satan, Lucifer, the chief of the fallen angels). A friend of the family mentioned to my mother the name of Jesus, and when she told without explanation of that name to me it burned into my mind. Somehow I knew that name. Somehow I felt He would protect me through this name always. Whenever I felt their evil presence approach, though they terrified me, I knew their power was finite and nothing compared to that of God. Ever when I prayed to God, or called out, be it once, twice yet nevermore than thrice, for the protection of Jesus Christ, I was protected and the demonics driven from my presence. One after another, or else in batches, they were eventually cast down, driven away from me with a severe almighty force. After each was gone, I felt somehow that their forms had been devastated in some place far away and there locked away. Eventually, there came a time when there were no further attacks.
Many years later, as a Christian, I wondered why He never seemed to teach me of Jesus Christ when I was with Him in the holy fire. BUT Every WORD HE SAYS IS His Son, JESUS. And I found that in my heart, I have always had the beckoning of Christ Jesus- the very Light of God has wanted me since before Creation. And I have it now (Alleuliah!!!). Jesus stands at the door to yout heart to. And the Father did, actually, bless me with a special song, that when I was ready to really come and know Him, I would be blessed to understand, and that song took me deep into His Church... And still, He gave me in life the Name of His Son, Jesus, and it protected me all of my life, even and still does!!!
I think believers in God that truely do worship Him the best way they know how (and not just the way their State/Church/Mosque/Synagogue/parents/peers/minister say how), and are good (in the eyes of God), that accept God may find Heaven- but it won't be at the rejection of our Saviour. They that find the Son will find the Father, and vice versa. Ask Him to prove Himself to you- if your heart is good, if you want a good heart, He will!!! I think Jesus died on the Cross for us all- including Abraham and Lazarus and others that died before the Crucifixtion that had in their hearts a true and divine calling to serve our Eternal Abba the Father.
Jesus is our Saviour. I think that once He is given us, we cannot reject Him, not least once He is in our hearts- or else we sin by rejecting God. But do I think that means a Jew or Muslim who be of good conscience and does nto commit mortal sin, sins today by not realising the Christ, Jesus, has been to us, and been Crucified for our sins, and Risen to the Right Hand of God. Jesus says the kingdom of God is attained through Him. Yet who was Him, if not God?
The conditions regarding salvation are, in my belief, if you want your best chance for eternal goodliness as oppose to, well, Hell, are within the Church (or as close to it as you can get). Seek GOD, and in finding Him, seek a Church that believes in the Church as describe din the Acts of the Apostles in the here and now- and don't join a wicca or spiritist or Jehova Church- sorry, but dark and Light are not to be mixed. Thats what God taught me, through vision, through Miracles, through Word, and through Scripture
. However, I would never claim to be the most knowing of teachers. Merely I ever seek to serve God better, as does a dutiful creation seek to better serve its creator, our Father.
[Editorial note, many years later, for the sake of Discernment, I studied the words fo the Prophets. Atleast for me, wherever I read, I felt the meaning was clear. A writeing concerning the words of the Prophets in regard to the Messiah of the People fo God can be read here.]
There are many denominations within Christianity. Until recently, I knew of none of them. It is amazing how hollow a Christmas carol, heard in the street, is if one knows not the Gospels. Or how a beautiful Church can be at best merely an asphetic pile of bricks if one knows not the history of it, or its true purpose. Many years later, in discovering other Christians (those that also prayed to God, includeing prayer through Jesus), I began to study the Bible (handed to me by a friend of an Evangelical denomination).
Still much time later, after becoming a Catholic, I prayed and asked God to explain the Christian concept of the Trinity (this still confused me- as actually it aught, being a Divine Master). I sew in the core of the mind of my soul, the memory of the holy fire, and God before me- and I knew. The holy fire was the Spirit of God, that is God, and within it, was God- and within Him, the Spirit- and the Word burned into my mind without even haveing being spoken, just as the presence of God was not told yet I knew it in my soul when He was before me- the Word- the Word was Jesus.
Such is God- one God. The Holy Trinity is three descriptions of the same God, each equally valid, each as He revealed Himself to His creatures at different times.
Praying, I opened up Holy Scripture. And I read, there, in the last paragraph of Chapter 1 of John. This is what this chapter meant so clearly to me personnally: how God had spoken to me Jesus, Himself.
Bells in a Bottle
A number of weeks passed, and I was largely at peace this whole time. I was living healthily enough (physically and spiritually) and sleeping fitfully. The upcoming meeting I had arranged with Pat was no longer about seeking advice to rid myself of demonic oppression- it was about meeting my first child-hood hero and having an excuse to bring my mother and/or father into a place made sacred by the prayers of God's faithful (I never feel spiritual evil within a Church or on sanctified ground).
Then, one night, something utterly profound happened. At that time, my studies of the Holy Bible had taken me into the start of the first Gospel and also Acts in the New Testament, and as far as Jobe in the Old Testament. I awoke and the dark of night was still outside my bedroom. Instantly my brain was awake, wired, burning fiercely with intensity and clarity.
Glancing down toward the end of my bed as I sat up, there before me stood a man.
The form of the man was entirely cloud white; his garments were that of what I would presume by the style to be a monk's habit (or some kind of similar robe) and he was ever so slightly corporeal. He stood just a meter from the entrance to my flattette.
I felt no evil emanating from his presence- nothing that from my religious experiences was telling of evil- more the kind of presence I would have felt from my father's father. I heard the sound of 12 bells- such as I had heard many times before when I was quiet in the word and had time to listen.
The sound was not of any bells I had ever physically heard in the world- atleast not to my knowledge- the sound was not heard so much as somehow felt. The bells, by their sound, were each of the same design. They were struck with a specific pattern, each carrying similar resonance, except for the last which when struck sounded as if it had been broken before being struck. It occurred to me, for the first time, that this sound telling me the story of the 12 apostles, of whom I had previously been unaware. The being before me, whether Angel or goodly human spirit I do not know, regarded me with absolute calm. Following the sound of the 12th bell, there was a short pause, and then he slowly raised his right arm.
Following with my eyes the length of his arm as it raised, my eye caught the pointing of his index finger and followed the line of direction to my bedroom window- in that very moment the Sun arose, filling me with a sense of peace and solace with its golden light as it ever did. Following this, as I was trying to think of a clever question to ask, I suddenly heard the first 11 bells again- but not the 12th. At once it occurred to me that Judas Iscariot had perished after the crucifixion, early in the day.
A pause followed, whilst I considered what all this could mean, and how clear to me the message of the bells suddenly was. I had so long passed it off as just some kind of psychological "auditory hallucination".
Then, before I could finally find time to invent a clever question, the hour of the morning by the shifting shadows moved on and I heard 12, then 13 bells- wondering about this, I recalled that Matthias had been appointed to replace Judas Iscariot, then Saul's conversion had followed shortly thereafter.
Interestingly, I had not gleaned in browsing the start of Acts that Saul had been an Apostle, but at this time it was given to me to know that he was an apostle, one I had a personal likeness in some way to, regarding my Conversion to being Christian.
With his arm lowered to his side, the man slowly became more corporeal. My mind was at that moment more full of questioning the experienced Inspirations than forming questions to ask this Angel/Saint.
This being so, I lay back on my bed to think. My alarm went. Somehow, a lot of time had passed. I heard the sound of more bells, much to my surprise, all of a sudden. These were of a different design to the bells I had heard previously and carried a different resonance, which was far less pronounced. I got up and began to clean my teeth- there was a lot of bells and I decided to prepare for work whilst I counted. At about two hundred and thirty or so I stopped counting so intently, thinking that perhaps the number of bells was not so very important.
A few more bells rung, which caught my attention since I felt that the resonance of the third from last was partially in the present-future, partially in the past, the final two somehow reaching me from the future... Then no more sounded. I checked over into the bedsit area of my flatette, and sew that the Angel/Saint had vanished.
I had felt Inspired during hearing and also at that moment to suspect that the string of bells must refer to men of God that took up the work of the apostles down the years proceeding the time of the apostles on Earth. However, since such persons I had never heard of not were detailed by Holy Scripture (as far as I had then read), I was very puzzled as to whom these may be. Was the history of such men known to Christians perhaps? My mind quested for answers, such that I could not concentrate on my normal research work. I did a search on the internet concerning the time of the apostles, found mention of the early founding fathers, then searched on. I found, almost by chance, reference to the apostle Peter having passed the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven, and from there tale of his passing on this blessing laid on him by Christ, through God, to the first Pope. I looked up the meaning of "Pope", then the historical list of popes. They matched almost exactly in number my count of the number of bells I had in the last sounding of the bells!!!! The difference was that which at the time of the revelation I had felt to be that of the next popes to proceed the then current Pope (Pope John Paul II).
At first, the idea that I had received a message to believe in the apostolitic succession, having read what that entailed, seemed one I felt at odds at. Afterall, we must honour the Word of God, not Man. However, when I considered that the Word of God transcribed by man in Holy Scripture was acceptable as "Divinely Inspired", I could see how the words of the Pope, when taken not from his own musings but Inspired by God, could be considered as Holy.
The debate of whether to accept or not this part of the vision as valid, or if I had somehow been misled by an agent of the Enemy, would continue within me for months- driven in part perhaps by foolish fears of possibly losing my friendships with the Evangelicals. Somehow, deep down, I knew it was a message that had been placed within me so that when I arrived in Church, I might understand it- and from there seek if I wish it within the Church further truth- the Catholic Church. It was a message in a bottle cast into the sea of life purposely before me that I should scoop it up and later find the cork screw to open. The golden, unfurled message within: Welcome to the Church- here is the synopsis to the Christian story.
I yet, at this time, remained with many questions concerning Catholicism. As I studied Church history, starting with Acts and then documents concerning the early founding fathers and popes, up to and including the Reformation, at first many questions arose. I found many of those questions mirrored by Protestants that I knew. The answers to those questions that my studies yielded can be found on this page: "On the Catholic Church".
Much later, after Confirmation, my readings on the Net tumbled apon the Fatima and the prophecy of St. Malach O'More. Thinking about how the resonance of the last two bells representing popes had somehow seemed to resonate down from the future to the time of my "hearing", I was left wondering if there is a portent here of the beginning of the end of days. However, meditating about this, and praying, I find at this time no (as yet heard) answer.
Maybe those popes to proceed those I was told of have not yet been written into Divine Providence, so were not given? Or maybe a new hierarchy would be established, which does not require a Pope? However, considering Holy Scripture:
Jesus said: "Upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." On this strong foundation, he says, I will build an everlasting temple. The great height of my Church, which is to penetrate the heavens, shall rise on the firm foundation of this faith.
Blessed Saint Peter is therefore told: "To you I will give the keys of the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound also in heaven. Whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed also in heaven."
Since the suggestion is a line of Popes to serve the Church as the chief apostle amongst Christ's apostles on Earth, and that Church is unfailing, and is built upon St. Peter (the rock) and the line of pontifs that descend and build upon him, then the suggestion is that all the popes had been written into Divine Providence!!!!
However, if this is so, then I must also consider the words of Jesus: Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming. This would seem to suggest that those Christian souls that happen to watch for signs of the end of the world, if they watch the portents and world events carefully and objectively, may be able to knowingly the end of days, which has already it would seem begun.
For those interested in studies of the end of days, I would recommend as a starting place clicking here.
At the same time, I would note that many Christians feel that the signs of the end of days are given more to keep people in a state of preparedness (i.e. behaving day to day as good, loving, Christian people) than to try and know the day and time. Indeed, Jesus Himself knew not the day and time, merely the signs of the end, as given Him by the Father with whom only the fullest possible knowledge of the end of days rests. (editorial note : 28-11-05). Having stopped to read from the document published by the Vatican, on-line, concerning the Fatima, I found guidance as to how the Faithful should regard the Revelations of the New Testament and the private revelations that have been received before and since but not recorded in Holy Scripture. It seems evident that, if Discernment should convince me of my apparent increased understanding of the message I received Grace to understand, I must dutifully aim to share its content with the Church. I shall pray and meditate on this more.
A word of the Prophets
Prophecy is arguably the richest body of knowledge, besides the gift from/of the Word of God, Christ, which lays that said body of knowledge out before us in the light. I believe that God can open up the Prophets to anyone, and He chooses to do this in a very special way, as Jesus Christ (Apocalypse, alias Revelations, Chapter 5). This Christ, the Messiah, is the Lamb, and is God Himself-He is from Everlasting. ("Micah 5:2 But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is to be ruler in Israel; whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting.") Jehovah God said: ("Isaiah 44:6 Thus saith the LORD the King of Israel, and his redeemer the LORD of hosts; I am the first, and I am the last; and beside me there is no God.") Jesus Christ said: (Apocalypse, alias Revelation 1:8 "I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.") (Revelation 1:18 "Fear not; I am the first and the last: I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.")
I have written regarding the Prophetic TimeLine I, as an Anointed 11th Hr Ministry Young Prophet, have Received of the LORD, here. Hosanna in the Highest! Jesus is Jehovah! .